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There’s no turning back: 21 final things you need to know about the DR
13) Don't tell a Dominican a secret
Unless you want the whole world to know your business, don't tell a Dominican anything because they aren't particularly good at keeping a secret. And I am proof of this since I wasn't supposed to tell you that! If only Al-Qaeda was as bad at keeping secrets as Dominicans, the Americans would have a shot a catching "Osama Bin Laden." True story: the night American troops caught Saddam Hussein a Dominican watchman was on guard at the house. Troops walked past the house Jose Sanchez was working at and Sanchez asked one of the troops, "want to hear a secret?"

14) Get a watch dog, not a watchman
So you want some extra protection around your zillion-dollar home and you are asking yourself what's the best option. Get yourself a watchdog not a "wachiman." Having a Dominican watchman is like having a narcoleptic driving big rig trucks; it just doesn't work. Last time I had a watchman I found him sleeping with a broomstick in his hand. I asked, "where's your gun?" he said, "I guess the thieves stole it!" I'm sorry to all you cotton- headed 65-year old watchmen out there, for revealing your secret; guess I've just become a true Dominican.

15) The Ciguapa myth is real; she's called your wife
Dominican myth and folklore is fascinating, but the one story that is passed off as myth but is actually true is the story of the Ciguapa. Legend has it that these mythical creatures are beautiful in appearance, though they are said to be cruel. With brown skin, dark eyes and glossy hair, the length of their bodies, they are always ready to capture wayward travelers. One look into their eyes and you will be under their spell forever. The only thing is that their feet point backwards making it difficult to discern where they are really coming from or where they are going. Sound familiar? This isn't a myth, ladies and gentlemen - this is called marriage!

16) Make up your own race and color; Dominicans do!!
Ask a Dominican what color he/she is and you'll end up hearing about 30 different colors you never knew existed; jabao, indio, trigueno, blanco oscuro, casi negro, no negro, blanco claro, moreno, prieto. Wait what? Dark white? Almost black? Since when did shades become races? I opened a box of crayons the day and oh to my surprise, there was no color called "prieto." Rumor has it that the Crayola Company is moving its international plant to the DR in order for Dominicans to create new and wonderful colors. A Crayola spokeman said of Dominicans that "they have 500 years experience creating fascinating colors that don't exist!" and according to Dominican fashion magazines "almost transparent white" is this season's black!

17) Want to get through traffic quicker? Get an ambulance!
JAJAJA!!! Fooled you, you inconsiderate poop. So you were so ready to buy yourself an ambulance, with the fancy sounds, just so you could get through traffic, not realizing that some poor sick soul could actually need one. Where do you think we are, the US? Not! As if the woo-woo-woo sounds are really going to do anything but add to the noise. Funny thing is that for years ambulance drivers in the DR have been pulling that trick and now no one pays any attention to them as they weasel through traffic jams. What's the lesson here? #1) you are an inconsiderate poop and #2) don't get sick in the DR, because you might just die at a red light!

18) Let's go parking lot pimping
For those of you who aren't up to date with urban slang, ‘parking lot pimping' is when you take your car to a lot somewhere and listen to music while a million other people do the same thing. Except here in the DR kids don't go to parking lots, they hang out at the liquor store or pimp out at the gas stations. Put this in the "I'm a loser category." Last time we checked only bums, hobos, truckers and ladies of the night hung out at gas stations. Oh well, for all you frugal men out there, at the very least it's a cheap date.

19) No Spanish, No problem: Anything can be Dominicanized
Don't know any Spanish, no problem, because Dominicans take every English word they hear and with the addition of an accent, turn any word into a Spanish word. Take a look at the following list and see if you can decipher their English equivalents: Pesi, Twis, Es-Bo, yile, teipi, poloche, Belge Kin, ti chel, champu, whiki, Fol', Fol Roonel, wachiman.

20) Dominicans don't own umbrellas
Now this one defies all logic and reason. It's a Caribbean island where hurricane season lasts for about four months during which it rains almost daily, and you'd be surprised to know that about 94.32% of Dominicans don't own umbrellas or raincoats. The last time we saw umbrellas on the street was at a chimi vendor, and when it started raining he just put a plastic bag over his head. Well, if nothing else, at least you can shower in the rain.

21) Goats don't pay a fare
Yeah, that's right: if you have a goat, a chicken, some fish or any type of random animal they don't have to pay to ride public transportation. The fact that they can ride on public transport is perturbing in itself, but hey, at least pay for it. Talk about diversity. On a Dominican bus you're standing next to a Haitian, an Italian, a chicken and a goat. And John Rocker had trouble riding on the New York subway with "some kid with purple hair." Ha!
 
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