Hi! I've been reading discussions on this website for some time, but this is the first time I have posted...
I know by bringing up this topic of Domincan men's sexual attitudes I am potentially opening up to some curt or insensitive responses by some, but I am hoping that there will be some mature and intelligent people with valuable things to say in the mix. Thank you in advance! (By the way, I tried to do an archive search, but kept getting a reply that said I didn't have the minimun 4 words, but no matter how many words I put in my keyword search, I received that same message) So, I am starting my own thread.
My questions involve Dominican mens' attitudes about sex in serious long-term relationships. First let me identify what I'm NOT talking about. I am not talking about those toursist love affairs that sometimes happen. I am not talking about long-distance relationships where neither person has lived in the other's culture for any real length of time. I am not talking about young love, though I'm not opposed to it !
. I am not even talking about Dominican mens' much-talked about tendancy towards infidelity, though it is worthy of more discussion- for this conversation however, I would like to leave it out, except possibly in context of how that potentiality or that knowledge of other men's lifestyles "out there" might affect a faithful man's attitudes about sex with his partner, especially if there is any sort of conflict.
What I AM talking about are sexual attitudes in hypothetically long-term committed relationships between a gringa-ish (or European) female and a Dominicam male in the DR. It could also include Dominicana/Dominicano relationships if applicable. I will start by telling my own story, but I think it could be something other people have expereinced, too.
My Dominican boyfriend (of 7 years) and I have different attitudes about sex. He has a higher libido than me (though mine is healthy), and thinks that we should have sex everyday or at least go no more than two mornings without sex. He also thinks I should never say no. He thinks that Dominican women never say no to their husbands or partners, and that they always "want it". While I doubt that the latter is true, I think that because many women fear that their men may "stray" or start another family, it is possible that the first part is true (that they don't say no), that they could be afraid to say no to their husbands, for fear of losing him to someone else if they do.
Once we began to have a few conflicts over this issue, he sought the opinions of Dominican women he knew that had been married to the same man for a long time. They told him that they never said no to their husbands, that it was the least they could do, and one women even told him, "Whenever my husband wants it, I just spread my legs" (A quote, mind you). Of course this reenforced my boyfriend's opinion that I should always say yes, and that if I didn't, I was depriving him of something he thinks he should rightfully have. And that if I say "no" I am denying him something to which he is entitled.
Let me clarify, I have usually said yes. I like sex. I am no cold fish. But occasionally, for whatever reasons, there are those occasional times when he wants to and I don't. (Maybe it's 4 in the morning and I haven't slept enough, maybe I have something on my mind, and I'm not thinking about sex at that moment.) - In the past, whenever those tiems have arisen and I have said no, I did so gently, with compassion, and with an explanation, and later on I initiated just to show him I still think he is a sexy guy! (And too there are times when I didn't want to at first and he changed my mind). But Everybody, even men, feel this way some-times. The difference is, he doesn't see it that way. If he initiates, I am suppose to say yes, all the time. I wonder if that is him or a prodcut of his culture? He really seems to think that woemn who love theri men never say no, and no matter how gently I explain it, or how much a reassure him sexily later, that he is oppressively having to deal with an indpendent sexual being.
This brings us to an impasse. It is causing some conflicts between us, a domino affect really. Aside from this issue we have had a wonderful relationship. loving and thoughtful. We rarely argued, and when we did they were minor arguments with productive outcomes. When I don't say yes, however, he pouts and sometimes doesn't talk to me until I have sex with him, and increasingly he treats me very rudely, even losing his temper, yelling about how women shouldn't say no. As soon as I have sex with him again, he becomes my wonderful boyfriend again, loving and supportive an dvery giving nad thoughtful. All of this nevertehless feels very manipulative and very hurtful, and guess what? When he acts like this, it kills my desire.
Whenever I try to talk about it with him, he insists that he is justified in behaving badly if I am "denying" him what he is supposed to have. I think he really believes I am supposed to always say yes to him. I think he really believes (myth or not) that women who love their partners never say no. I insist that his expectations are not realistic and that my need to occasionally say 'no' should be honored and respected, as my right. I try to explain the detrimental affects on passion and love of making sex seem like a household duty, rather than something we give to each other because of love, excitement,or desire. He insists that there is nothing he can do, that he is justified in treating me rudely so long as I am not compliant, that the problem is mine, and that if I would just always say yes, like Dominican women do, we would have no problems (and indeed he is single-minded enough on this issue, that it really might solve our problems from his perspective. He's great to me when we are having sex and I never say no. But that's just not possible all the time especailly with someone with such a high libido.) He even takes a lofty attitude of how great he is to be with a woman "like me", that he can stay with me despite what he deems "my sexual problem", something that would be very normal in my culture where men and women accept that their moments of desire are not always in sinc and that they will have sex later on. The only solution he sees to this issue, is for me to decide to "change my attitude" and learn to say yes like "most women do".
The things is, it might really be the case that Dominican women don't usually say no. So how much of his expectations are real? I'm not sure what to say on a way. While there are many fine exceptions to this, I think that many if not most Dominican women do take great pride and shape much of their identities around how attractive they are to men and if they can keep their man. So maybe they dont' want to ever say no, and risk that "sexy" image they work so hard to maintain. Maybe as I said before, they are even afraid to, for fear he'll leave or find a second woman. So maybe his expectations then are realistic in the current climate of his culture. I have known men here who had one-night stands with Dominican women, and awoke to find their lovers cleaning the kitchen. Now that IS a cultural difference!! Something is behind all that.
So it is very difficult to wade though what is cultural and what is a personal attitude. In a way the result for me is the same, but it would be helpful to know anyway, to know what I am facing and how to face it. Although it is unfathomable to me that he could act this way, becasue I kno whe really really loves me, it is a unacceptabel reality for me, so I am torn.Our relationship has been so great until this machisto issue came up, but it is becoming a big one for me, sadly. The issue didn't come up until recent years, and I am at a loss.
Are there any other women out there with a subtantial relationship with a Dominican man who have faced these issues or are facign them now? What have you done to help resolve it? How have you framed it for him or tried to explain or educate him? Have you been able to fid a compromise? what worked fo ryou?
Before closing this lengthy little posting, I know that there are some who will read this and be very tempted by the topic to write derogatory remarks, or to bash Dominican men or women who have relationships with Dominican men. I have seen it so many times on these pages. Please try to practice restraint and respect that someof us would like a serious dialogue. Thanks to those who will keep the conversation on a mature level.
That having been said, if anyone has thoughtful commentsand observations to share, male female Dominican or Non-Domincan, I would appreciate very much your commentary and ideas! Social commentary about Dominican men's attitudes about sex in marriage or partnership would a plus if anybody has insight, or Dominican women's attitudes for that matter! Even outside of the immediate issues I am facing, this is an interesting topic, so I would be curious to hear what people think about all these social sexual moreys. They're all around us afterall. So I'd like to hear people's general opinions on the topic, too.
Best,
Panzanelle