[cdngirl08]

Originally Posted by Fiesta Mama

Sorry this is so long winded... I could go on for days about this topic but I think it will be helpful!

My husband has been here in Canada now coming up on 3 ½ years. Things have mostly been great but there are some real cultural issues that both parties must recognize if they are going to be successful. Once you get over those issues (or you each learn to deal with them in a way that you can live with) life will be much easier for both parties.

As noted by SJSantos, I see money issues as the biggest adjustment for the Dominican/Canadian couples I know, including myself. First of all, for those of us married to a Domincan man… they are very proud and are used to being the breadwinners in their families and in charge of where the money goes. It goes against the way they were raised to see their wife earning more money than them (in some cases) and telling them where they should spend their money (or hinting at where they SHOULD spend their money). This was a huge issue at the beginning. My husband was not used to juggling so many payments for mortgage, utilities, car, spending money, food, etc. and not being able to spend money as he pleased with no thought to it eventually running out. At first I took charge of paying the bills as I have always done on my own but I soon realized that if I wanted our marriage to be a success I could not try to dominate him and tell him what to do in this regard. Also, he was calculating in his head what we both earn and was thinking there should have been a whole lot more disposable income than what I was telling him and it created a trust issue. So… after trial and error on this issue, I began insisting we sit down together to pay bills on the internet where he could see clearly what money was coming into and out of our account. Over time, he realized how expensive life here can be and he really gained a lot of trust when he saw how I had been managing our finances and still putting money aside for investments, etc. Also, instead of having one joint account (which is how we started out) we decided on a joint account for our bills and separate accounts for each of us for spending money. This way, I could see that he felt more in control of the decisions surrounding where he was spending his money. I must say that I don’t always agree where he spends his portion of spending money, but I keep my thoughts to myself because it’s his money to spend how he sees fit and I’m sure that over time, he will learn to not blow it all the first week of pay so that the second week he has nothing

With the sending money home issue, it’s a hard call. I did not agree that we should be sending money to his family when they made out just fine before he was in Canada. This is not to say that I don’t have empathy for their shortage of funds at times, but we are always very generous when we visit and at times I am witness to them spending money on items that are clearly not needed nor within their limited financial means. However, my husband has many family members living around the world who regularly send money home to the DR so he felt shamed by everyone else when they were sending something and he was not. Therefore, I had to try and put myself in his shoes and think of a way that we could send money to please him but still not feel like it was taking away from things we wanted to do with our hard earned money here. We unfortunately had a tragic death in my husband’s family about a year and a half after he arrived in Canada and this really changed our views on sending money home. We realized that if we sent money on a regular basis, we could not assist the family when emergencies arose (or at least not without putting ourselves in a financial pinch). Therefore, we decided that we would send money not on a regular basis or in regular amounts but when we determined there was a need and we could do without. For example, this past spring, one of his brothers had an accident and required medical attention. We did not even learn of the accident until the family had gotten themselves into considerable debt trying to buy all the drugs, etc. that were necessary. We sent them money at that time because it was more important to us that they could get the proper treatment that was needed than it was for us to be able to go out for dinner every Friday that month so we gave up our dinners for a month and sent the money there. Now I must also say that we have not shared with his family our system of sending money for emergencies only or I’m sure emergencies would become a much more regular occurrence and my husband recognizes this as well (you get to know which family members you can believe in the case of an “emergency” and who you have to take with a grain of salt or do some digging to find out if what they are telling you is true)!! So far, there has not been an abuse of our system of sending money and my husband gets to feel good about helping out when they are really in need rather than sending money at times that they don’t really need it and may likely waste it.

My husband has also had to work on understanding Canadians. He has learned that your wife might not be too happy after arriving home from work at 6:00 p.m. to find out that he has invited over every Dominican within driving distance for dinner (guess who’s cooking)!

It’s been a real learning experience for us both. I almost think it’s harder for the Canadian counterpart to adjust to the cultural differences and expectations of a Dominican (marrying a Dominicana might be easier) than it is for the Dominican to adjust to Canadian life. I have no regrets and in fact feel that we are luckier than a lot of couples in Canada because we are not only living through a marriage but learning a new culture along the way which helps to keep things new and interesting.

I have to admit I'm finding this thread interesting. The women in my family have a tradition of marrying men from foreign shores. And when you mentioned the part about your husband inviting people over for dinner and you finding out at the last minute, it reminded me of my parents. Even though my father and mother have been married 38 years ( Dad's been a Canadian citizen for 31 years), he never learns. He still invites people over and then drops the bomb on Mom. When the last guest leaves, she gives it to him..both barrels! lol Does this deter him from doing it again? Nope! LMAO

He also loves to spend money and even though he pays bills and looks after the finances along with Mom, sometimes he thinks they should have more disposable income as well. Then she has to sit him down again and say, this gets paid on this date...and this comes out of this account and so on. He loves buying gadgets...computers are the big thing. He even buys stuff and hides it from her. He has his own computer room and she always tells him that she is going to photograph it one day and if the photographs from week to week don't match, she's going smash up his room! LOL

From time to time, she'll call him on his cell phone when he's out on errands and ask him where he is. She'll say, " You better not be at that damn Future Shop again!" hehe So...anyway..Mom and I think all of this obsession with material stuff comes from going without early on in life and having to work very hard and still have very little. He's one of the success stories you could say. He came to Canada with $20 in his pocket and has done very well and had a successful career. That being said, my Mom is still trying to put the clamps on him and its funny to watch. He says she is always trying to dominate him, but that's not the case. She's only trying to save Dad from himself! lol

Foreign men are funny creatures that need space to make a niche for themselves in their new homelands, but never give them too much leeway because as you can see from my family's example...you can take the foreigner out of the mother country but you'll never take the mother country out of the foreigner. We wouldn't want Dad to be any other way...he is such a source of comic relief!