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Thread: Looking for a Girlfriend

  1. #1
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    Default Looking for a Girlfriend

    My name is Frank. I live in Cabarete but, I’m willing to relocate if the North Coast cramps your style. However, I want to be honest and upfront with you right away: I cannot live in the U.S because I have warrants out for my arrest. I cannot live in Europe because I have two ex-wives there who I owe money too. I cannot live in Africa because I hate the sun and heat and I’m afraid of malaria and diarrhea. I cannot live in Asia because Asian people speak funny and I cannot understand Asian. However, I can live in Iceland or Greenland, provided there are plenty of strip clubs within walking distance.

    I’m bi-lingual in three languages (Dominican, Norwegian, and English). However, I also have been heard muttering Gibberish in my sleep, so it’s probably fair to say that I’m tri-lingual?

    My background is in the service industry—specifically restaurants and bars. I have 56 dog years of experience in customer service (about 8 years human). My responsibilities include checking girls out on the beach and eating. I hold the record for eating 50 eggs in one sitting.

    Education: I have a bachelorette degree in Human Relationships, but I’ve worked in restraints for the last two years. I have a lifetime’s worth of technical expertise (I wasn’t born – my mother simply chose ‘eject child’ from the special menu.)

    Achievements: I’ve won many awards at the Irish restaurant where I work: The first award is for eating 50 eggs in 30 minutes. That made me fart for days. My other award is for winning St. Patrick’s Day Prom Queen; I made a dress out of old discarded velvet curtains that I pulled out of the trash (I’m a professional dumpster diver). I’m proud of both awards.

    My reason for leaving my last job was because A.) I have outstanding warrants out for my arrest; B.) Bounty Hunting is illegal in Ohio; C.) I thought the world was coming to an end and I wanted to be prepared for the Rapture.

    Higher Education: I have a PHD in Dr. Phil, Oprah, and Judge Judy.

    My dream girlfriend would be a 18 to 22 years old, but since that ain’t going to happen anytime soon, I will settle for someone older who has enough money to take care of me and my life style. My hobbies include hunting for psychedelic mushrooms in cow pastures, drinking lots of coffee, traveling to strip clubs, and drinking Pina Colodas all day. However, I’m willing to change my ways for the right woman. She can be a big woman. I don’t care about size; I have a lot of love to give so it maybe it’s better if she’s big.

    Bad traits: I have a few bad traits that I want to be upfront and honest about: First, I am very bad about time and don’t mind admitting it. Having to arrive at a certain hour doesn’t make sense to me. What does make sense is that I get up before the sun goes down in the evening. Any girlfriend that insists upon rigid time schedules will find me a nightmare.

    Objective: I need a rich girlfriend because I have bills to pay and I would like to have a life, go out partying, please my young girlfriends with gifts, and have a menu entrée consisting of more than soup. I would like a girlfriend that is very lax when it comes to tardiness. Another objective of mine is to hopefully associate with a millionaire one day. So one of the main things for me is, as the movie ‘Jerry McGuire’ puts it, ‘Show me the money!’

    Life Experiences: Well, I haven’t been abducted by aliens yet, but I’ve seen quite a few of them hanging around Sosua at night. I try and limit important relationships to people who want to do what I want them to do. I find it makes things easier this way.

    Reason for leaving my last girlfriend: she caught me cheating with her sister.

    Skills: I have integrity so I will not steal your jewelry and take them to the Compre/Vente (Pawn Shop) in Puerto Plata.

    Favorite Activities: Playing trivia games. I am a repository of worthless knowledge.

    Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

    Employment gap: I have an extensive employment gap but, honestly, it was simply because I was getting over the death of my cat for three years.

    Cleaning skills: bleaching, pot washing, window cleaning, mopping, etc.

    Qualifications as a boyfriend: I have guts, drive, ambition and heart, which is probably more than a lot of people on the north coast. Plus I can type without looking at the keyboard. And I can operate without any additional oxygen above 6000 feet.

    References: Please do not contact my immediate supervisor or boss at the restaurant where I work. My friends will give me a better reference. My friends include these people: Alabama Garry, Air Force Rob, Tennessee Zollie, Spicoli Kevin, Fireman Paul, Sergeant Bo, Ducati Mike, Canadian Ruben, and my mother. But I don’t know their phone numbers.

    Serious inquiries only!
    Sincerely, Frank

  2. #2
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    I can't believe I actually read this post -_-

  3. #3
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    Dude you crack me up...

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  5. #4
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    You are in the right place. Just one question, do you snore?

  6. #5
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    I'll forward this to my 22yr. old sister ASAP. I know she needs a boyfriend, and wants to also learn Dominican

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  8. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by frank12 View Post
    My name is Frank. I live in Cabarete but, I’m willing to relocate if the North Coast cramps your style. However, I want to be honest and upfront with you right away: I cannot live in the U.S because I have warrants out for my arrest. I cannot live in Europe because I have two ex-wives there who I owe money too. I cannot live in Africa because I hate the sun and heat and I’m afraid of malaria and diarrhea. I cannot live in Asia because Asian people speak funny and I cannot understand Asian. However, I can live in Iceland or Greenland, provided there are plenty of strip clubs within walking distance.

    I’m bi-lingual in three languages (Dominican, Norwegian, and English). However, I also have been heard muttering Gibberish in my sleep, so it’s probably fair to say that I’m tri-lingual?

    My background is in the service industry—specifically restaurants and bars. I have 56 dog years of experience in customer service (about 8 years human). My responsibilities include checking girls out on the beach and eating. I hold the record for eating 50 eggs in one sitting.

    Education: I have a bachelorette degree in Human Relationships, but I’ve worked in restraints for the last two years. I have a lifetime’s worth of technical expertise (I wasn’t born – my mother simply chose ‘eject child’ from the special menu.)

    Achievements: I’ve won many awards at the Irish restaurant where I work: The first award is for eating 50 eggs in 30 minutes. That made me fart for days. My other award is for winning St. Patrick’s Day Prom Queen; I made a dress out of old discarded velvet curtains that I pulled out of the trash (I’m a professional dumpster diver). I’m proud of both awards.

    My reason for leaving my last job was because A.) I have outstanding warrants out for my arrest; B.) Bounty Hunting is illegal in Ohio; C.) I thought the world was coming to an end and I wanted to be prepared for the Rapture.

    Higher Education: I have a PHD in Dr. Phil, Oprah, and Judge Judy.

    My dream girlfriend would be a 18 to 22 years old, but since that ain’t going to happen anytime soon, I will settle for someone older who has enough money to take care of me and my life style. My hobbies include hunting for psychedelic mushrooms in cow pastures, drinking lots of coffee, traveling to strip clubs, and drinking Pina Colodas all day. However, I’m willing to change my ways for the right woman. She can be a big woman. I don’t care about size; I have a lot of love to give so it maybe it’s better if she’s big.

    Bad traits: I have a few bad traits that I want to be upfront and honest about: First, I am very bad about time and don’t mind admitting it. Having to arrive at a certain hour doesn’t make sense to me. What does make sense is that I get up before the sun goes down in the evening. Any girlfriend that insists upon rigid time schedules will find me a nightmare.

    Objective: I need a rich girlfriend because I have bills to pay and I would like to have a life, go out partying, please my young girlfriends with gifts, and have a menu entrée consisting of more than soup. I would like a girlfriend that is very lax when it comes to tardiness. Another objective of mine is to hopefully associate with a millionaire one day. So one of the main things for me is, as the movie ‘Jerry McGuire’ puts it, ‘Show me the money!’

    Life Experiences: Well, I haven’t been abducted by aliens yet, but I’ve seen quite a few of them hanging around Sosua at night. I try and limit important relationships to people who want to do what I want them to do. I find it makes things easier this way.

    Reason for leaving my last girlfriend: she caught me cheating with her sister.

    Skills: I have integrity so I will not steal your jewelry and take them to the Compre/Vente (Pawn Shop) in Puerto Plata.

    Favorite Activities: Playing trivia games. I am a repository of worthless knowledge.

    Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

    Employment gap: I have an extensive employment gap but, honestly, it was simply because I was getting over the death of my cat for three years.

    Cleaning skills: bleaching, pot washing, window cleaning, mopping, etc.

    Qualifications as a boyfriend: I have guts, drive, ambition and heart, which is probably more than a lot of people on the north coast. Plus I can type without looking at the keyboard. And I can operate without any additional oxygen above 6000 feet.

    References: Please do not contact my immediate supervisor or boss at the restaurant where I work. My friends will give me a better reference. My friends include these people: Alabama Garry, Air Force Rob, Tennessee Zollie, Spicoli Kevin, Fireman Paul, Sergeant Bo, Ducati Mike, Canadian Ruben, and my mother. But I don’t know their phone numbers.

    Serious inquiries only!
    Sincerely, Frank
    Hey Frank,

    Nice to hear you survived the road race.

    I will bring the seafood magic to the fish fry next weekend !

    Mike

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  10. #7
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    funniest post ever!

  11. Likes frank12 liked this post
  12. #8
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    Im pretty sure you wont have problems finding your Dominican Soulmate, When you meet her let us know!!!!!!

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  14. #9
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    The funny thing is he's a way better catch than the sankies and he's upfront about his history...

    Maybe he can take some tips from these guys:
    Dirty Rotten Scoundrels - trailer - YouTube

    http://www.theonion.com/articles/48y...25yearo,27339/

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  16. #10
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    Hehehe, very funny.

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