New Medications
ST. MOM'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by
rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six
hours.
E m p t y N e s t r o g e n
Highly effective suppository that eliminates
melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they
were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they
moved out.
P e p t o b i m b o
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups
swallowed before an evening out increases breast size,
decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
D u m e r o l
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low
I.Q, causing enjoyment of country western music.
F l i p i t o r
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling
road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
A n t i b o y o t i c s
When administered to teenage girls, is highly
effective in improving grades, freeing up phone
lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
M e n i c i l l i n
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases
resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a
better person ... can we get naked now?"
B u y a g r a
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
E x t r a S t r e n g t h B u y - O n e - a l l
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an
indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may
even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by
Dr. Laura.
J a c k A s s p i r i n
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember
your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
A n t i-t a l k s i d e n t
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on
anyone too eager to share their life stories with
total strangers.
S e x c e d r i n
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not
now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
R a g a m e t
When administered to a husband, provides the same
irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the
wife the time and trouble of doing it herself
And the best:
D a m i t o l
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up
to 8 hours.
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