Advice from Past Presidents to GWB

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General : Lets Start Joking Around
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Recommend Message 1 of 41 in Discussion

From: Neil Parke (Original Message) Sent: 2/12/2003 9:51 PM
Terri is right!!!
Lets all start posting some jokes, two things will happen. One we might laugh at it and even for a moment forget about what is going on outside the room. It will be hard to keep the joke politically correect, so who the hell cares. We didn't worry about it in 68, we are not at work, so why worry about it now. Remember, the jokes are only for fun and no one should take offense to them.

What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A golden retriever


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Recommend Message 27 of 41 in Discussion

From: Clay Sent: 2/18/2003 1:55 AM


A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring three women home and you try to guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry. "

She immediately replies, "The one on the right"

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know? "

The Jewish mother replies "I don't like her."





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Recommend Message 28 of 41 in Discussion

From: Jeff Sent: 2/18/2003 5:55 AM
A lawyer dies and makes it to Heaven. God Himself is so impressed that He wants to meet this guy personally and take him on the tour.

God escorts the lawyer around, showing him the library, the records department, places to relax and commune with the universe when God remarks, "Y'know, you look amazingly well for 984 years of age."

The lawyer gets a puzzled look on his face. "Nine hundred and eighty four? Where'd you get that? I'm only seventy-five."

God says, "Oh, we just added up all of your billable hours."



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Recommend Message 29 of 41 in Discussion

From: Neil Parke Sent: 2/18/2003 3:29 PM






Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight,
when Grandpa
found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine
cabinet.

He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the
son said
"I don't think you should take one; they're very
strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa. $10.00 a pill answered the
son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one,
and I'll leave the

money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00
bill."

The next morning the son found $110.00 under his
pillow.

He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00,
not $110.00."
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."





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Recommend Message 30 of 41 in Discussion

From: Neil Parke Sent: 2/18/2003 5:31 PM
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband
was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs.

He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee
in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just
staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his
eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this
time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you
were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back
seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun
in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or
spend twenty years in jail!"

"Yes, I do," she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know
I would have gotten out today."



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Recommend Message 31 of 41 in Discussion

From: Neil Parke Sent: 2/26/2003 4:10 PM
It is the year 2003 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah!" He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices. Then my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S.Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labour Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.

They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practising discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying
taxes. I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational
water craft. Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that
since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the
Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "Your government already has."



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Recommend Message 32 of 41 in Discussion

From: Clay Sent: 2/27/2003 11:49 AM

> > One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George
> > Washington's ghost in the White House. Bush asks:
> > "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the
> > country?"
> >
> > "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,"
> > Washington advises.
> >
> > The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves
> > through the dark bedroom. "Tom," W asks, "what is the
> > best thing I could do to help the country?"
> >
> > "Cut taxes and reduce the size of government,"
> > Jefferson advises.
> >
> > Bush still isn't sleeping well the next night, and
> > sees another figure moving in the shadows. It's
> > Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing
> > I could do to help the country?" Bush asks.
> >
> > Abe answers: "Go see a play."