"My therapist always says…”

“You look really familiar. Have we…?”

“Mr Whiskers is so talented…”

“This is great, but I need to establish you’re disease-free…”

“My parents are going to love you…”

“I can’t wait to blog about tonight…”

“Here are my children. Say ‘Hello’, children…”

“I’ve always wanted to meet someone in your sector...”

“It’s not a current restraining order…”

How not to begin a conversation on the first date - Times Online

continued:
How not to begin a conversation on the first date - Times Online

A car breaks down along the motorway one day, so the
driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the motorway.
He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls
out two men in trench coats.

The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and
start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. One
of the worst pile-ups in history occurs.

When questioned by police why he put two deviates along
the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and
was just using my emergency flashers!"
------------------------------------------------------

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show
who was boss on the aviation frequencies. So, this was
his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he
said: "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied:
"Guess where!"
----------------------------------------------------
One morning, a grandmother was surprised to find that her
7-year-old grandson had made her coffee! Smiling, she
choked down the worst cup of her life.

When she finished, she found three little green Army
men at the bottom. Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what
are these Army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson answered, "Like is says on TV, Grandma --
'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"