…continued from last post…
I’m not saying that he can’t change this about himself (I’m a big believer in willpower) or that all Dominicans are “cheaters” (I strongly believe there are some that don’t cheat…and even know a few); I’m simply suggesting that we N. Americans and Europeans may tend to understand and evaluate Dominican cheating according to our own cultural understandings and norms...and although we may like our ways better, they may not. Although I personally really, really don’t like the idea of cheating, I think that it is important for us to be aware and careful of who we’re judging and why and, ladies, also of who we choose to date (remember, as foreign as the idea may be to us, in your Dominican boyfriend’s mind, cheating may not be about a lack of love or respect).
One of the really tricky things when dealing with Dominican culture is how deceptively similar it can seem to our U.S. culture (or Canadian, European cultures)…and the real similarities we do observe may actually make us less open to recognizing some of the important differences that do exist. On the surface we can easily see that, like us, lots of Dominicans wear jeans, t-shirts, and otherwise “Western-looking” clothing (even if with a unique, Dominican flair) – there are no togas or turbans here folks, American music can be heard playing on the radio every now and then, numerous English words have made their way into Dominican slang, everybody seems to have a tío, a primo, or some family member in Nuebo Yol, Boston, Suiza, or somewhere, “tigueres” can be seen sporting the baggy jeans, chains, and oversized brand name shirts I’m used to seeing in “lo Bron” (Bronx, NY), and the young people, much like me and my peers in the U.S., enjoy music, going out dancing (sometimes drinking), flirting, falling in love, etc. We do have a lot of similarities – and not just surface ones – our societies are both in the global minority of cultures that believe in romantic love and choosing one’s own mate(ssss
), we are both consumerist cultures, we (US & DR) are both “new world” countries born of colonization and slavery, and we both at least speak of notions of equality and the importance of education and productivity.
So, are we really all that different? Well, in my opinion: yes and no. In many ways, the DR is just different enough and just similar enough to our “Western” cultures to seem both exotic and familiar. Yes, we are similar, but no, our main differences are not, in my opinion, palm trees, traditional foods, merengue, or even politics, race, race-relations, or language (which can often seem like the most striking differences, especially to tourists and also to girlfriends who spend a cumulative month or three in the DR with their dominicano boyfriends every year). When a culture appears, at least on the surface, to be generally like our own, we sometimes have a tendency to subconsciously assume where the specific similarities lie (usually where we most desire them to be) and forget just how profound some of the differences may be. Dominicans may do this when thinking about us just as much as we do it when thinking about them.
And I do believe that romances between us certainly can work – they may be more challenging, complicated, and there may be an unusual amount of give-and-take and learning that needs to take place in order to truly understand the needs, feelings, and unspoken language of the other, but hey, that could be one amazing, intense, and life-changing experience for both parties involved. For those girls in or pondering a relationship with a DR guy, my advice is to just take things slow and be careful (I’ll post more detailed advice later – and I’ve got lots!).
Yeah, lots of Dominican men cheat, but the “problem” with this isn’t necessarily the cheating but that they cheat and we N. American and European women do not like or accept cheating (I hope you don’t mind my speaking for all of us on this one). So, the difficulty occurs when the two different cultural expectations and norms meet – and that’s where it becomes important to take things slow (emotionally and – I know I’m going to get some disagreements on this one – in my opinion, sexually).
It is a good idea to understand what can and will hurt the other one (aka infidelity) before either of you puts yourself in the position to be able to get really emotionally hurt. And by “understand,” I’m not talking about words…”look, you’re with an American, things are different with us”…”if you cheat on me I’m out of here”…verbal communication is important, yes, as may be laying down the law like that if you feel it’s necessary…but do you think Dominican girls have never said those things to him before? Just replace the Dominican girl’s name for “American,” and he’s likely heard it. There are lots of Dominican girls who, like you, don’t particularly like the idea of sharing their boyfriend with other women and will certainly let their guys know. This is another idea I’ve been thinking about lately - do you guys think that maybe as feminism is slowly taking hold and developing in the DR, women’s expectations are changing…and maybe men just haven’t caught up to these changes yet? Anyway, it seems to me that some Dominican women absolutely don’t put up with cheating (and choose their men accordingly…and very, very carefully), some don’t like cheating but put up with it anyway, and others just don’t really mind the cheating (like anywhere I guess…just in different percentages at least for now). Also, from what I have observed and heard for dominicanos/as, Dominican guys tend to like their girlfriends to show a little bit of jealousy, and although I know that when you tell your boyfriend “absolutely no cheating or I’m out of here” your words are not, in your mind, simply a demonstration of jealousy, he may be reading your words differently than you intend. Until he truly knows you, he is naturally likely to interpret your words from his Dominican frame of reference, not your American/European one.
So, he may see your words as “cute” jealousy but not as a real threat to your relationship – especially since if he’s at all intelligent, he’s likely very, very skilled at hiding his women from one another. Also, don’t assume that words (te amo) and actions (sex) mean exactly the same thing in your different cultural “languages.” He needs to observe you interact with him and other people over a long period of time, hear your stories and points of view, see what hurts you, just truly feel out you and your subtleties in order to really understand where you stand on the cheating thing…and I feel that sex too early, although it does create a special bond, can contribute to a potentially good relationship ending badly because of misunderstandings that could have been avoided if given more time (if he sleeps around before you are “together,” what’s the real problem? If he sleeps around after you are together though…now you’ve got a huge problem – getting to truly know each other is the only way I see of avoiding such cultural miscommunication – that is as long as the guy truly loves you and is willing to make the no cheating sacrifice to be with you).
There’s a whole lot of learning that needs to go on on both sides – he needs to learn what you need and expect from him and you certainly need to learn what he needs and expects from you – assumptions about men and women that may have worked for both of you when dating within your own cultures may no longer work. In the end, once you understand one another’s’ needs, feelings, and expectations, you and he will both know if the relationship can work out or not…whether or not you are both able and willing to make the necessary cultural and personal compromises and if they can be sustained long term.
Okay, enough cultural critiquing
…sorry about the rambling. Dominican culture is, in my opinion, complex, yes
, but absolutely incredibly beautiful – much like with my own culture, there are things that both horrify me and take my breath away…the DR holds a very, very special place in my heart. The unique humor, love, generosity, absurdity, violence, corruption, and tranquilidad all blend to make it that wonderful, sometimes frustrating, and just simply beautiful place it is.
Please let me know what you guys think about all the culture and cheating stuff – I especially hope to hear from ex-pats and Dominicanos/as. Thanks guys…I look forward to your thoughts and challenges!
~Leja
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Polygamy, Cheating, and the Dominican Man
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