Should I marry her ?

sarroj · #1 12-09-2002, 07:06 AM

Ok, I know this isn't Dear Abby, but I could really use the insight of those more experienced than me. Here's the short version: Been going to POP for about a year now. Starting seeing seeing this girl. We started as friends, now it's become more. There is about 15 years difference between us. We're getting closer fast, and my thoughts are leaning towards something more permanent. Her are some facts: I know she's never done anything her family would look down on her for. She's comes from one of the barrios in POP. She's introduced to family (which I have gotten quite close to) and friends. She seems like a great woman, and I am very happy being her. Here's the problem: She come from a very poor background, and I know how some girls will marry a gringo soley for the purpose of getting out. I don't get that feeling from her at all, but it's still in the back of my mind. Am I selling her short and letting my own paranoia get the best of me, or should I drop this before I get in any deeper ? Anybody have any thoughts/ experiences/nightmares/ success stories on this ? Thanks !

Ken · #2 12-09-2002, 09:40 AM

Another first time poster with a love problem?

This subject has been discussed at great length in the past. Scroll down the past threads in this section, "Men from mars and women from venus" and you will find more input than you can use. After digesting it, make your decision. Nobody can make the decision for you.

But first read all those past threads. Everything than anyone has to say on this subject will be found there.

joseíto · #3 12-09-2002, 10:37 AM

Sarroj,

DO NOT do it, dude. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you marry this woman. Not now, not here, not ever.
Chances are there's a "chulo" lurking in the shadows. And even if there isn't one right now, it is just a matter of time.

Here is a typical scenario:

You're in the states, and you call your woman, but she's not there, she "went to the store". Call back, "oh, she came from the store, but now she at her aunt's house, call her in one hour". Call back, "she waited for you, but she had to go to La Capital to get a 'papel de buena conducta' (as if you did not know that she could get one in POP), but she should be back tomorrow".

So you wonder, and decide that a cell phone will solve the communication problems. "Oh, mi amor, la batería del celular se descalgó" (dead battery excuse, and can't recharge it because "se fué la luz). Man, I could write a book tittled, "Your woman might have a 'chulo' if...", but it's been done before.

Caveat emptor, amigo.

You may call me a cynic now, but remember my cynicism when it happens, because it will happen.

AZB · #4 12-09-2002, 11:13 AM

Joselito (my man) is right on the money. Listen to him now and save yourself future headaches.
I know Puerto plata very well because I have lived there for a few years. Almost all the gringos find girls like you have. These girls have no class and zero education. You will soon realize that you will be supporting her whole family for the rest of your life. They will always have money problems ex: some one is sick, mom needs a surgery, sister fell of a pasola and fractured her head, need this and that. Remember all her problems will be money related. She will never understand your western way of thinking and you 2 will never ride the same wavelength, ever. She will have no financial planning and the money you will send her will be spent in a heart beat. This alone will boil your blood to the max. There is no tomorrow only present and that is important to them. You will serve as a perfect Pendejo while her chulo will enjoy the fruits of your labour.
Some times you have to take sex for only what its worth (cheap sex). Have fun and get your head straight.
Good luck.
(P.S. I am only talking about puerto plata here. They are not real dominicans nor represent any decent class of dominicans anywhere. If you like to meet the real dominican girl (worthy of marriage) come to santiago or simply get away from the north coast (touristy towns). Then again, why is it all you gringos want to get married to whom-ever? Have fun like Jazzcom and ILOVEDR and come back for more action.)

ricktoronto · #5 12-09-2002, 12:03 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by sarroj
Am I selling her short and letting my own paranoia get the best of me, or should I drop this before I get in any deeper ?

No and yes in that order.

You don't have to drop her but marriage, you have been advised correctly. And limit the cash flow via Western Union to her if you are doing that now and I suspect like a lot of guys in this situation, you are - +/- $300 US a month is my guess.

RandyE · #6 12-10-2002, 12:53 AM

Joseito- "papel de buena conducta"- that's a scream!

Hlywud · #7 12-10-2002, 04:44 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by joseíto
Sarroj,

Caveat emptor, amigo.

You may call me a cynic now, but remember my cynicism when it happens, because it will happen.

Totally agree with Joseito

If you are getting the milk for free, "Why buy the cow"

sarroj · #8 12-10-2002, 05:43 AM

Thanks everyone for the comments. Jeez ! It looks like I stepped into something big & smelly here !! The arguments you guys left here are very worthy, and having been to the DR many many times, I know they all have merit (alot of which, I was aware of to one degree or another). But based on all the stuff said here, I actually have a better feeling about her now. This whole thing started around March of this year, and although she has asked for money (not alot) in the the beginning, I quickly saw the direction it was going in, so after a few times of that nonsense, I simply started saying " Lo siento querida, no tengo mas.", and she simply rolled with it - there was no change in her attitude whatsoever. When I come down, I do give her a little spending money, but very little - 500 here, 500 there (pesos, not dollars), and she gladly accepts it but doesn't ask for more. She's also 1 semester away from her nursing degree (or certificate ?), which I know to to be true, and does work when she can. For a long time she was working in the local clinica (again, I know that to be true, because I called her there many times), but she got laid off. I think I may have found a good one (or at least better !). If I do decide to jump in, I would help HER get HERSELF in a position to help support herself & her family (I sure as hell ain't supporting her family). If she's reseptive to that idea, maybe that might give me a better indication of where she's at. At any rate, I'm going VERY slow with this, so time will tell ..... Thanks again for all the input - it was a real help.

MommC · #9 12-10-2002, 11:43 AM

One way or another you WILL end up helping support her family.
I have yet to meet a Dominican who doesn't help their family every way they can, anyway they can. The major complaint I have heard from Dominicans living in the US or Canada is how they have a hard time getting ahead because of the money that they either send home every month or spend on the family when they visit home once a year.
Met the brother of a friend last year who lives with his family (wife and 2 kids) in the States who is trying to build a house in Boca Chica. He brought $10,000US down to start construction and by the time he'd "loaned" everyone 500-2000 pesos that they needed for medicine, food, part for their pasola etc.etc.etc.
he only spent $2500US on actually construction materials

sarroj · #10 12-10-2002, 11:56 AM

Oh, I don't mind ~helping~. I mean, after all, if I marry her (at some point way down the road), the assumption would be that I love her, and would want to help. But, I would not be the primary supporter - that's what I would have a problem with. If I see any other path than that, things would have to change immediately. We'll see ................