Can Dominican Women Change?

[MrMike]

Modedrators: feel free to move this to whatever section is most appropriate, I'm still not too sure how this works.

I have been living in the DR for 4 years now, and I was hoping other older, wiser individuals could shed some light on this for me:

I am in the proces of seperating from my wife of 1.1 years (that's 13 months, not 11 years) and the thing that I feel makes the situation different and warrants me asking the question is that we are still very much in love.

Sure life with her has been a little annoying, (culture clashes and all) but at the end of the day it's all worth it except for one thing that I cannot get around:

I have a 10 year old son who I am only beginning to establish a relationship with, and she has been opposed to my contacting him and having him over for visits. (He lives in the US) He was conceived during a one night stand, but my wife doesn't understand that and considers him a threat, thinking there is this impending danger that I am going to leave her to marry his mother. If this was just a sneaking suspicion or a quiet dissaproval I think I could understand, but this girl has very little self control and has on many occasions expressed her frustrations and fears through violent and destructive outbursts.

Now that I have actually left her she has promised to change. She has been down on her hands and knees begging me to take her back and swears that she's ready to treat my son like he was her own flesh and blood.

Problem is, it wouldn't be the first time she's made a promise to change and then been back to the same old crap after a few short days (or hours).

She's college educated, rather intelligent, charming, beautiful etc. and I've never been happier with anyone else, but am willing to give it all up for the sake of my son. (and indeed I have - been solo for a week now)

I just keep thinking that maybe she's worth just ONE MORE CHANCE?

Does anyone have experience with this? Do people change? Can they be trusted to change on demand, just because they say they will?

[ltsnyder]

I think having a child to take care of is a major consideration. Sometimes when your looking for a woman to meet you might be tempted to not mention you have a child (I'm not saying you did this). But you should always make this a very clear point of the relationship, just like you would marry or date a woman with specific charateristics, this must be another charateristic your looking for. You mention you have a child and see and observe if they have a problem with that.

If a relationship has already started, then the other person might only see the involvement of a child they never expected as a lossto the quality of the relation they once thought they had. It's any ones guess if things will change, and this is not a Dominican problem it's a problem that could occur with any couple.

-Lee

[AnnaC]

Sounds like she needs to grow up a bit. Yes she sees the child as competition and she shouldn't. Put it to her this way, ask her if she had a child of her own whom she loved very much what would she say if you didn't want that child in your life. After all you did marry her and not the boy's mother. The violent and destruction outburst tells me there is a bigger problem that has nothing to do with the child.

Yes people can change but they need to understand what makes them angry first.

[kunky]

she says she's willing to change, this is good, but do u really believe it? she feels threatened by this child even though she knows the circumstances. why is she insecure? have you both talked about these insecurities?
it sounds as if she wants you all to herself, and she definately needs to grow up in that department.
and if you do get back together, it will be fine in the beginning until something sends her "over the edge again" i think some time away from each other will make her see what she will lose, and in the meantime it will give you the space you need to know your son.

[D & D]

I feel for you Mike. I'll say my piece and you can take it for what it's worth.

A long time ago someone told me you either accept people, warts and all, or walk away. You can't go into a relationship or even continue one if it is based on the premise that either party has to make major personality changes. The accent here is on "major".

I'm not talking about leaving the toilet seat up or drinking out the milk carton. I'm talking about fundemental personality traits and/or faults that make us "us". I've been in several realtionships where I've had to pretend that the offending behavior (to me) practiced by my partner could be changed or that I could change myself to fit the relationship, even though I wasn't comfortable with myself for doing so. In the long run, trust me, it just doesn't work. Been there done that, several times!

Sometimes, loving someone isn't enough. You've said that your wife has made promises before and then broken them. What does that tell you. Marriages should be for life, but why stay in a relationship where trust is absent. To me that is the cornerstone for any relationship, marriage or otherwise.

It doesn't matter that your son was the result of a "one night stand". The bottom line is that he is your son and your child for life. If your wife knew about your son before the marriage, then she should have realized that he would be a part of your life and therefore part of hers. Believe me, children are more perceptive than most people think. If your wife affections aren't sincere your son will know and react in kind. This is even more important if you are in the process of establishing a relationship with your son. His "trust" in you has to be complete.

To me, if a man or a woman considers a child a threat to their position in a relationship that person is a very insecure individual. Eventually, that insecurity turns into jealousy and resentment. Not a good situation.

Something else to think about. Sometimes what we think is love (aside form the sexual aspect) is really just a dependency factor and the fear of the unknown. Addressing your thoughts and/or misgivings here tells me that you have serious doubts about the relationship. Again, not a good situation. In the end, you are going to have to decide which is more important to you. Good luck with your decision.

Dianne

[Larry]

Mike,
If you love her then why not give her another chance? Before you do though I think you have to make sure she knows that your son is going to be as much a part of your life as you want him to be and she has to accept that. Also, the violent outbursts have to end. Tell her that if she wants to be your wife, then she needs to act like an adult. If she wants to be a baby, then you can drop her off at the nearest nursery where she can throw as many tantrums as she wants to. Good luck.
Larry

[Jersey Devil]

MrMike,

If she has been violent towards in the past I
would find it difficult to return to her, especially
if there was no reasonable justification for
her behavior.

"Does anyone have experience with this? Do people change? Can they be trusted to change on demand, just because they say they will?"



I do believe that people can change although I think it takes
much work as well as time. However most people tend to remain "static".They don't truly change.
I don't think you can make or force someone to change.

Good Luck,

JD

[kunky]

i agree with you jersey, it takes a lot for a person to change, and they have to do it because they want to. and to just say they will, i believe they're empty promises, just to keep that person. but they have to do something about it. like counselling, admitting what their problems are, their insecurities, talking about it.
even if its a honeymoon at first, it will change for awhile, then its almost like you're back to square one again.
i know from experience, was separated for 6 weeks, reconciled, wow, it was like we were dating again, and now 2 yrs later, welcome to the peg bundy saga. lol. but we did change somewhat, but life is boooring.
good luck but keep your eyes wide open for the honeymoon to be over. watch the way she acts at the beginning with your son, because when reality sets in, she might end up treating him differently. be aware that life may not be what you expect of it.

[MrMike]

Thank you all for your objective replies, I can see that you have a lot of experience and appreciate your taking an interest. We have decided to give it one more shot, and are both going to be getting some counseling, I feel like we're worth one more try but we both know we won't be able to work it out without some outside help, objective opinions etc.

Neither of our families are objective, so will be seeing a psychologist to help us communicate over the cultural gap.

She has promised to treat my son like her own, so when he comes down in January we'll see how that goes.

She recognizes that she has been way too posessive and wants help, and maybe I have been too insensetive in some respects. So we give it another shot and see how things go. We both know this is the last chance, and we are aware of the consecuences of failure so I think we will make some progress. I'm not expecting things to be perfect or for her to be perfect, but the lines of acceptable behaviour are more clearly defined now and the consecuences are clear. So there is a chance. I know it's a long shot, but we'lll work hard to save what we can, and if it isn't worth it then we go our seperate ways in peace.

I'll see some of you on Thursday, I'm giving Hillbilly a ride down there and we can have a good Thanksgiving dinner.

Peace.

[AZB]

I haven't read any replies by anyone so I will say is this:
Dump her. She will never change. She will be a constant headache. In order to forget about her and get her out of your life, come to DR and get a younger, more prettier girl to replace her. You would be surprised to see (once you have the new girl in your life) how quickly you will forget about the her.