Liberal or Traditional ways in a relationship with a Dominican man ......

Toronto Girl 11 · #1 10-06-2006, 09:51 AM

Hello Everyone,
I have read many of the reviews posted on this forum and I would like to thank everyone for giving their honest input as many of their views have impacted my understanding of the R.D. culture. Thanks !!!

I have an issue that require some understanding and of course your honest input
I really need your help......

Background:
I have been living in Toronto for about 15 years and living in such a cosmopolitan country I have had the honour of meeting many people from all over the world (including many people from R.D. who resides in T.O.) I was born and I lived in Trinidad for about 10years so I do understand the island concept of drinking, eating, dancing and enjoying life to the fullest.....I have had one Dominican boyfriend about 11/2 yrs ago and now I’m dating another Dominican from Puerto Plata who I met here in Toronto.
Oh, I know the R.D culture fairly well as I went to university with many people both male and female from R.D and I was able to visit your country and learn a little about the culture.
So here goes………………………………………

Problem:
Why are Dominican men so hard to understand? When they meet me it’s all good.. I’m fairly fluent in Spanish, I know how to cook and dance Merengue and Bachata well but I still do not understand what a Dominicano wants…I have been told I look Dominicana which they really like ..but the problem lies in my independent ways.. After living up here for 15 yrs Canada makes you from very independent and apparently Dominicanos do not like it….why???? What do independent ways mean??? I do not want to control them but I want to share in the experiences of a relationship together…….

I have discussed this situation with my other friends and they believe it’s a struggle between traditional Dominican ways vs. liberal Canadian ways….Can we strike a balance in order to make our relationship work ???? OR Is it a lost cause ????

If anyone can give me some input on how I can understand the mindsets when it comes to relationships with Dominicanos please feel free to post…….

Thanks, Toronto Girl 11

Alyonka · #2 10-06-2006, 10:46 AM

There were posts on this subject on this site before. I am not sure if it all Dominican men, but my experience was - machismo. What else can you say? It feels like you are a child and he is your daddy. They are very very jealous, posessive and controlling. It is crazy. If you like it - go for it. But such relationships are difficult in western societies where both men and women work together. You have to speak with other men for work. They don't like it. It can work but very frustrating sometimes.

Talldrink · #3 10-06-2006, 11:06 AM

TO Girl, I agree with you and I struggle with the same issues. I have met many that expect to call whenever they feel like it and we are supposed to be at home waiting for the call or an invite to be able to go out or see them. In the meantime your life should be at standstill until they come around... yeah, right!!

My thoughts are, if they do this at the beginning of the getting-to-know-you phase, let it go, dropt it at once. This will set the standard of what they feel is ok with you and what they feel is appropriate behavior for them thereafter.

Like Avora said, if you like, go for it. If it bothers you, then let it go. Nobody changes, we have to change ourselves...

Alyonka · #4 10-06-2006, 11:13 AM

This is what a dominican man wrote when I asked the same question:

"By and large, we are possessive, jealous and controlling. A wife/ gf is like a child to us. We treat them with the same care and love we would treat our daughter.

If you try to assert yourself i.e. independence, liberated attitude, we frown on that type of behaviour. That spells the beginning of the end. If such modus operandi is continued, it's the death knell for the relationship.

The woman's input is extremely important. It's up to her to make the DR male feel loved, cared for or rejected. We Dominicans expect that the woman will take care of us as if we were helpless, defenseless babies.

If you don't display this behavior, he will take it you are apathetic and uncaring. YOU MUST SHOW WHAT YOU FEEL INSIDE. This isn't a cold scandinavian country where you hide your feelings. This isn't a rigid anglo saxon culture circa 17th century colonial America where expression is forbidden.

DR men are used to women showing their love via meals. Extremely important to DR culture is when a woman invites a man to a home cooked meal. Not a liberated gringa inviting a male to a restaurant. Man there's no bigger turn-off. Remember this is your boyfriend, not a business meeting to discuss budgeting and expenditures or the most cost effective fashion to import salmon.

You must do the cooking. That shows personal care, attention. DR men inside need to continue that maternal affection via the wife. Their male strength is accentuated by such behaviour."

This sums it all up. Good luck!

Toronto Girl 11 · #5 10-06-2006, 12:01 PM

Hey All,
Thanks for your advice.. Well -noted.......

It's hard sometimes to show everything all at once.....So, if you are in the getting to know each other mode and i do not feel all the love at the beginning how am i suppose to show him how i feel.....?

The way to a man's heart is through the well cooked meals ....., right?

Talldrink · #6 10-06-2006, 12:02 PM

There's more to them than just food... Dominican men are different. Unless you are willing to put up with their ways, good luck with that. Im still looking for an Americanized one that has the best of both worlds...

Alyonka · #7 10-06-2006, 12:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Toronto Girl 11

Hey All,
Thanks for your advice.. Well -noted.......

It's hard sometimes to show everything all at once.....So, if you are in the getting to know each other mode and i do not feel all the love at the beginning how am i suppose to show him how i feel.....?

The way to a man's heart is through the well cooked meals ....., right?

That advice was well past "get to know you" stage. Don't show feelings you don't have. They will see right through you and notice everything that is a fake. Be yourself and never lie - he will not trust you if you do. Actually being yourself is the best thing you can do.

Toronto Girl 11 · #8 10-06-2006, 12:25 PM

Many thanks .....

I must be true to myself before i can be true to anyone else......I really want i to work so i will heed your advice.
I wish i can enter his mind and figure out everything but it may reveal some little secrets i wouldn't like.....

Thanks again,
TG 11

xamaicano · #9 10-06-2006, 12:32 PM

Date Canadian dudes. Problem solved.

AnnaC · #10 10-06-2006, 12:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Toronto Girl 11

I wish i can enter his mind and figure out everything but it may reveal some little secrets i wouldn't like.....

Thanks again,
TG 11

What's important to you? What is it that you could and couldn't live with. A relationship is a two way street and if you're not the kind that will sit at home and wait for him to show up then don't do it or you'll be in for a lifetime of unhappyness.