Can anyone tell me how it all goes so wrong? - Page 2

Alyonka · #11 10-13-2006, 10:53 AM

A lot of people lie and make other mistakes. I always try to understand reasons why they do it before making a judgment. Sometimes their causes are actually more or less innocent. Divorces and break ups are very hard on everyone. It should take a lot of thought and time to make a final decision especially if there are kids involved.

jodyroll · #12 10-13-2006, 10:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by miamor

I think lying is wrong, so I'm not defending what he did, but that doesn't negate 4 1/2 years of working together as a couple to build a life together.

Actually, I think that it was more like 6 1/2 to 7 years. They didn't get married as soon as they met.

Quote:

Originally Posted by miamor

Why is the instant reaction always to run away, to pitch the baby with the bath water? Why not go to speak to someone, like a relationship counselor before the lawyer, why is the lawyer always the first call?

That wasn't the instant reaction. She tried to get him into marriage counseling, but he doesn't think he did anything wrong and quit going after the second visit - refusing to go again. Counseling doesn't work if people don't take responsibility for what they have done. She also went to counseling alone to try to sort things out on her side. On her side, lawyers were consulted only after her attempts to resolve the issue between them failed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by miamor

Relationships are hard and this is admittedly a big bump and it might have broken the trust completely, but why not at least see first if there is a chance to repair it before making that decision?

Her trust in him has been completely shattered, but she says that she is still hopeful they can meet somewhere in the middle. It takes more than one person wanting it (and working towards it) to make it a reality... he has to want that as well.

jodyroll · #13 10-13-2006, 10:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MerengueDutchie

Funny but I agree with both of you..

It might be worthwhile to note that they were happy together and that he tried to make his affairs in order even if it was after the fact.. imo this is proven by his church wedding with her in the DR in front of his community, his church and God.. this is a significant event and not some gringo-style resort wedding.. he prolly felt at that time that he had finally made it and they would be home free..

In the DR, obtaining a divorce and going away with your gringa to make a better life for yourself, might come with promises to take care of the kids and pay-offs to the future ex-wife (hence her confirmation that they where separated), etc, etc.. it is not simple to get things done..

He prolly was very embarressed and ashamed of this situation and thus hid it from his new wife..

On the other hand I can understand the trust issues she is having but the above might give her some consolation ad points to ponder..

I really do feel that more thought should be given to this situation than the reaction 'he violated my trust'.. on the other hand he should give her some time to come to terms with what really happened, understanding her POV.

I appreciate you sharing your persepective and I will pass it on.

jodyroll · #14 10-13-2006, 11:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by snowqueen

If this is the only incident of a broken trust, then she really needs to sit down & figure out, does she love him?

She says that she does, but for her trust and respect are the foundation of any successful relationship - more important than love. And he knew that when he married her. But because he doesn't think that he did anything wrong, he also don't think that he should have to make an effort to rebuild the trust.

I think that if she saw some sign, any sign, that he was sorry for lying to her, sorry for tricking her, or even just sorry for causing her this pain, she would take him back in a heartbeat, but that is just my opinion. I know she thinks that if he doesn't think he did anything wrong this time, there will likely be a next... and this one is serious enough (invalid marriages, crimes being committed...).

shadInToronto · #15 10-13-2006, 11:15 AM

I think it would be better for your friend to state "her case" directly instead of you being the intermediary ... normally there are 3 sides to every story, i.e. His, Her's, and the TRUTH, but in this case ????

I assume your friend is Canadian so the prudent thing would be for her to seek advice form a good lawyer who's capable of advising her instead of "Internet" lawyers. At least her assets are in Canada and she's protected by Canadian family laws ... if this were in the DR, the outcome would be uncertain at best.

Btw, you can preview your post before posting

jodyroll · #16 10-13-2006, 11:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chris_NJ

If that (cutting through some bureacratic red tape) was the only devious thing he did than I think she is blowing this way out of proportion. If she thinks that he married her solely for the reason of taking half of her property than it is a different story.

No, cutting through the beaucratic red tape, was the only crime he committed - that and bigamy. Did I mention that she has family in law-enforcement, and she is scared that they will find out and have him charged? According to her lawyer, each of the 2 fraud counts and the bigamy count carries a maximum 5-year sentence (likely served concurrently) and then he would likely be deported. And before you get on my case... yes, she did her research... and as his legal wife, she is not obliged to turn him in... but she is not his legal wife, so what are her obligations?? He is essentially here illegally. Could she be charged as an accessory? Her lawyer is till trying to figure that out.

No, the deviousness was in the lying and the covering it up through trickery.

No, she didn't think that he was out to get half of her assets initially, but since the break down of the relationship, his behaviour and comments are leading her to believe that his intentions have changed. And in any event, if he refuses to pay down his debt, she will have to sell her assets to pay it off. She loses either way.

tk toronto · #17 10-13-2006, 11:42 AM

That's terrible. And what's worse is that he seems to think that there is no problem. I think that's what is maybe making your friend angry is that he is acting like this is not a huge deal. I think that he needs to acknowledge that he's done something wrong and apologize (sincerely) adn see if your friend wants to work it out.

A huge trust bond has been broken here and I personally believe that I would be inclined to try to fix it, as this was not some by the way side relationship. I think they would need to try counselling if they were both willing and then see if they want to work it out.

As well, I would want to know why he did not just tell her of this dilemma from before, I'm sure that she would have understood if she was told the truth about the situation to start out with.

As well, the reason why I would think she was so upset is because the whole family, including the ex-wife lied to her.

Hope that your friend could come to a decision that's best for her.

jodyroll · #18 10-13-2006, 11:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shadInToronto

I think it would be better for your friend to state "her case" directly instead of you being the intermediary ... normally there are 3 sides to every story, i.e. His, Her's, and the TRUTH, but in this case ????

Thanks for your feedback. She is reading your responses over my shoulder and has direct input into what I write. There are two reasons that I am writing this instead of her. One is to keep to the facts (and you are right - they are from her perspective not his, but they are accurate) without the emotion and the second is to protect the identify of the people so that they will not be charged. That is not the intent of this thread.

Quote:

Originally Posted by shadInToronto

the prudent thing would be for her to seek advice form a good lawyer who's capable of advising her instead of "Internet" lawyers. At least her assets are in Canada and she's protected by Canadian family laws ... if this were in the DR, the outcome would be uncertain at best.

Who said anything about internet lawyers? She has not consulted any internet lawyers. She initially consulted a family lawyer, who told her to consult with a criminal lawyer, an immigration lawyer, and a lawyer in the DR. (They also have common assets in the DR purchased after the marriages and it is unclear how those are affected and what the bigamy laws are down there.) She has yet to meet with a lawyer in the DR.

Quote:

Originally Posted by shadInToronto

Btw, you can preview your post before posting

Yes, I know. I do but I don't see the typos until after I post. I'll try to do better.

Chris_NJ · #19 10-13-2006, 11:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jodyroll

No, she didn't think that he was out to get half of her assets initially, but since the break down of the relationship, his behaviour and comments are leading her to believe that his intentions have changed. And in any event, if he refuses to pay down his debt, she will have to sell her assets to pay it off. She loses either way.

Well his intentions could have changed if he thinks that it is in the realm of possibility that his wife (the woman that he loves and thought loved him) is going to go crazy and have him put in jail.

jodyroll · #20 10-13-2006, 11:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tk toronto

That's terrible. And what's worse is that he seems to think that there is no problem. I think that's what is maybe making your friend angry is that he is acting like this is not a huge deal. I think that he needs to acknowledge that he's done something wrong and apologize (sincerely) adn see if your friend wants to work it out.

A huge trust bond has been broken here and I personally believe that I would be inclined to try to fix it, as this was not some by the way side relationship. I think they would need to try counselling if they were both willing and then see if they want to work it out.

As well, I would want to know why he did not just tell her of this dilemma from before, I'm sure that she would have understood if she was told the truth about the situation to start out with.

As well, the reason why I would think she was so upset is because the whole family, including the ex-wife lied to her.

Hope that your friend could come to a decision that's best for her.

You seem to understand where she is coming from...and you said it better than I did! Thanks for taking the time to respond.