Can anyone tell me how it all goes so wrong?

jodyroll · #1 10-12-2006, 11:37 PM

Friends of mine (Dominican husband, Foreign wife) were married about 5 years ago, and he has been here for four of them. They were a really great couple. He had a post-secondary education, a good job in the DR, owned land, had a bank account, etc. She also had a post-secondary education, a good job, and owned land in her homeland. They each had children from a previous marriage. He wasn’t at all sankie-ish and not particularly macho as in he pitched in with the housework and cooking, etc. They were getting along just fine with the exception of some problems that they were having with one of his kids (lying, stealing, causing problems in school, and trying to cause problems between the husband and wife, etc.). The problems were a result of the child not adapting well to the new culture. They felt that because they loved each other and were so compatible, they could work through it. And they were.

He was adapting well, working at a job that was not in his field and taking English so that one day he could get a job in his field. It helped that she had lived in the DR for a while before they married, so she understood some of the complexities of the culture and had prepared him of the cultural differences before hand. She had insisted that he visit her country prior to accepting his proposal to ensure that he knew what he was getting into and could tolerate the climate and the cultural differences. She had also tried to teach him everything he needed to know early on so that he didn’t feel dependent on her. He knew the transit system and got his learners permit within weeks of landing here. He could do all his own banking, she had found him a Spanish speaking doctor, found him some other Dominicans in town to socialize with, and enrolled the children in a Spanish school so that he could communicate with the teachers without needing her to translate (and also so that the children would not loose their Spanish or be set back academically).

Then one day after they had been married about 4 ½ years, while she was gathering up some stuff to put into the safety deposit box at the bank, she came across two sets of divorce papers between her husband and the children’s mother, dated about four years apart. The more recent set was dated several months AFTER she married her husband. When she asked him about them, he told her that the ones with the earlier date were phony. He had paid some shady lawyer in the DR to prepare them when he didn’t have any divorce papers to submit with his immigration application! No divorce papers to submit several months AFTER he married her…. He had told her that he was divorced. His family and friends had said the same. Even his ex-wife had confirmed it.

She asked him what papers he had provided to apply for their marriage license, and he said he claimed that he had never been married because he had no divorce papers to provide. In doing that, he lied on a Statuatory Declaration which is a crime. So she asked him if he had, in fact, been divorced when he married her. He admitted that he hadn’t. But he had obtained the divorce after he married my friend and then planned a second ceremony… a blessing ceremony in the Catholic Church in the DR. (The wedding had been a civil ceremony in her country.) Unbeknownst to her, he had arranged for the ceremony to be another marriage ceremony rather than a blessing ceremony, and thus tricked her into marrying him again. However, in the DR one must wait 60 days after a divorce to remarry, and he waited less than 2 weeks.

So the first marriage is not valid, and the second one isn’t either… because he tricked her and committed fraud against her and because he didn’t wait the 60 days after the real divorce from his ex-wife. He also committed fraud against her government when he submitted false papers for the purposes of immigration.

My friend was devastated.

The entire foundation of their relationship was based on honesty and trust. And it crumbled. She sought legal opinions regarding their legal marital status and several lawyers advised that they were not legally married. His response was that they should simply go and get married again, and he was taken aback when she didn’t immediately agree. There was a bit of a trust issue… He eventually moved out (recently) but not until he had put her through hell for several months.

She is torn between just wanting out and wanting to get some marriage counseling and see if they can get past this or not. After all, she believed in her vows when she took them (for better or worse, etc.) However, that was when she still trusted him. They can’t get a divorce, because they aren’t legally married, and annulments are almost impossible to get and very expensive. (One estimate was a minimum of $100,000 with no guarantee of success.) She would also need someone not related to her and who speaks English to collect the documents in the DR for her lawyer. He won’t agree to an annulment because he still maintains that they are married in the eyes of God and so “there is no problem”. He thinks that she is blowing the whole thing out of the water. He doesn’t think that he has done anything wrong and still professes his undying love for her.

As I indicated above, they don’t qualify for a divorce, and so the Matrimonial Property Act does not apply. Ergo, he is not going to get half of everything she has. He is not going to get anything, between the pre-nuptial agreement that they had and the fact that only Common Law applies. The couple has some debt and he refuses to accept that half of it is his (when in reality most of it is). He has about $50k in the bank (including the RRSP she set up for him) and she is now forced to live pay cheque to pay cheque because she is servicing the debt load on her own to safeguard her credit rating. But, he is getting some bad advice from friends who don’t know the whole story and keep telling him to divorce her and take half of everything that she has.

Can anyone tell me how it all goes so wrong?

badpiece33 · #2 10-13-2006, 01:15 AM

If everything was so good why is she making such a big deal about this??? he did what he had to do to get his immigration papers and to get married to a woman he loved,but she is stressing the whole situation out of proportion.

jodyroll · #3 10-13-2006, 02:36 AM

Was your post in jest badpiece33?

You can't honestly believe that a person who could so intentionally deceive another in that way actually loves that person.

If he really loved her, why did he not delay marrying her until after he had divorced his first wife? Why did he trick her into the second ceremony? The breach of trust is huge, and he knew trust was an important element of any relationship for her.

Who does that to someone they love?

MerengueDutchie · #4 10-13-2006, 05:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jodyroll

Was your post in jest badpiece33?

You can't honestly believe that a person who could so intentionally deceive another in that way actually loves that person.

If he really loved her, why did he not delay marrying her until after he had divorced his first wife? Why did he trick her into the second ceremony? The breach of trust is huge, and he knew trust was an important element of any relationship for her.

Who does that to someone they love?

Funny but I agree with both of you..

It might be worthwhile to note that they were happy together and that he tried to make his affairs in order even if it was after the fact.. imo this is proven by his church wedding with her in the DR in front of his community, his church and God.. this is a significant event and not some gringo-style resort wedding.. he prolly felt at that time that he had finally made it and they would be home free..

In the DR, obtaining a divorce and going away with your gringa to make a better life for yourself, might come with promises to take care of the kids and pay-offs to the future ex-wife (hence her confirmation that they where separated), etc, etc.. it is not simple to get things done..

He prolly was very embarressed and ashamed of this situation and thus hid it from his new wife..

On the other hand I can understand the trust issues she is having but the above might give her some consolation ad points to ponder..

I really do feel that more thought should be given to this situation than the reaction 'he violated my trust'.. on the other hand he should give her some time to come to terms with what really happened, understanding her POV.

snowqueen · #5 10-13-2006, 08:05 AM

we are all human, and have lapses in judgement. Who knows what was going through his mind at the time. Does divorce carry a huge stigma in DR? It is old news here & people are not judged by it these days, but things were different even just 30 years ago in NA. People were labelled by getting divorced and often lost friends because of the stigma attached to it.

If this is the only incident of a broken trust, then she really needs to sit down & figure out, does she love him? Is he good to her and the children? People make mistakes, and if this is the only one in their entire courtship/marriage, I believe she should think twice before splitting up the family. But, keep a eye on him. If broken trust is a pattern in the relationship, dump him fast.

POP Bad Boy · #6 10-13-2006, 09:11 AM

.........that this STUFF doesn't happen 1000's of times a day in the DR and with everyone associated with it??? I agree with Badpiece 33...............

FORGET ABOUT IT.............

MaineGirl · #7 10-13-2006, 09:21 AM

The point here is that there was something in the way of his happiness, marrying this woman, and instead of discussing it with her and deciding on a course of action, he covertly planned his moves and never shared them.

To me this shows immaturity on his part; why not tell her the situation and then come to some mutually satisfying agreement on how to handle it?

Is my mentality too americana here? I mean, what if the girl realized the situation and said, mi amor, let's go ahead and get married, I understand it is not the best way go right now, but we can make it work....

At any rate, I am very sorry for you, the original poster. From the way it is written I am assuming you are talking about yourself. You have quite a bit of emotion invested.

I have no other thoughts or advice; the fact is that there may be a relationship that can be salvaged but it is going to be a lot of work and take years to mend...

or, maybe there is no real relationship to fix. Maybe it was a ruse to get to some new place and find a better life regardless of the cost to get there.

miamor · #8 10-13-2006, 09:37 AM

I think lying is wrong, so I'm not defending what he did, but that doesn't negate 4 1/2 years of working together as a couple to build a life together. Why is the instant reaction always to run away, to pitch the baby with the bath water? Why not go to speak to someone, like a relationship counselor before the lawyer, why is the lawyer always the first call? Relationships are hard and this is admittedly a big bump and it might have broken the trust completely, but why not at least see first if there is a chance to repair it before making that decision?

jodyroll · #9 10-13-2006, 10:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MaineGirl

At any rate, I am very sorry for you, the original poster. From the way it is written I am assuming you are talking about yourself. You have quite a bit of emotion invested.

You know what they say about assuming...

I do have some emotion invested because the "wife" is a close friend of mine and she is hurting. We have been friends a long time and worked together for years. When she met this guy and it looked like the relationship might be going somewhere, she brought him here and introduced him to all of us before the engagement. We accepted him immediately because of the person that she was. If she trusted him, so did we.

Do you actually think that she would tell this story to anyone but a close friend... heck, her family doesn't even know the reasons they are having problems.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MaineGirl

I have no other thoughts or advice; the fact is that there may be a relationship that can be salvaged but it is going to be a lot of work and take years to mend...

or, maybe there is no real relationship to fix. Maybe it was a ruse to get to some new place and find a better life regardless of the cost to get there.

And therein lies the question...

Chris_NJ · #10 10-13-2006, 10:49 AM

If that (cutting through some bureacratic red tape) was the only devious thing he did than I think she is blowing this way out of proportion. If she thinks that he married her solely for the reason of taking half of her property than it is a different story.