The economics of marrying a domincan(a)...

[jeanmarie]

Originally Posted by Berzin

OK, lets' set some parameters here for the sake of keeping this thread on topic and for the sake of keeping the contrarians(who always have exceptions to every generalization) at bay.

As I see it, most marriages between a foreigner and a dominican(a) are of a certain type.

They involve... for me...

1)...poverty on the part of the dominican and their immediate family. true

2) They do not speak a lick of english and have a limited education. true

3) A pronounced difference in age, with the dominican being MUCH younger. true- he is much younger

4) The person marrying the dominican is thinking he/she is in "love" in the traditional sense, confusing it with lust and not being able(or not wanting) to tell the difference. My experience and observation is that Dominicans LOVE the falling in love part and but confuse infatuation with love, and in general don’t understand what it take to stay in love and build a relationship.

5) The dominican is thinking "get me the hell off this island". And they are willing to leave with just about anyone who asks them for their hand in marriage. They have a different perception of what "love" is, and sometimes it is a very childish and frivolous perception that clashes against the beliefs of the foreign spouse. The 2nd sentence could not be truer.

6) Many times language is a barrier, as the foreigner doesn't speak much spanish and the dominican speaks no english. They get married anyway. I learned a lot of Spanish right darn quick- now I correct him je je

Now given the above dynamics, here are the questions-

1) What are the usual financial obligations of the dominican to the family they leave behind?
My husband feels a tremendous responsibility for helping his family- an ill mother, two young adult sisters who sometimes barely work but never seem to lack for beer money and dress better than I do, and a neglected nephew neither whose mother nor any extended family on the absent father's side seem to take any responsibility for him. His family asks him for some help but most of the pressure he puts on himself. The father that never gave him 2 pesos, 2 minutes or a hug has reappeared in his life with more than a few tales of woe and hand-out requests.

2) Is this a burden that the foreigner MUST take on as his own? Will this be cause of potential friction in the relationship?

Personally, I am unwilling to take responsibility for his family because I have 3 children from a previous marriage, and a baby with him. I choose to have my kids knowing the standard of living I was able to offer them and don't feel that he should ask me to lower that for his family. That being said, I DO help his Mom when I see the need (which is real) and feel I can. The sisters I have a harder time with. If I saw them busting their butts to get ahead I would feel more charitable but I don't, so my hard earned money will go to my kids. Friction? Yes of course- he knows I make a good salary but refuses to take into account the high cost of a house and 4 children, which leaves me with less disposable income at the end of the month than he has. In arguments he has "accused" me of having enoung money to solve the poblems of "every single person in his pueblo" and just not wanting to.

3) Does the dominican understand that priority #1 should be to make a life with their spouse and to adjust to a new culture as opposed to answering to every emergency that will certainly come their way from the family back home?

No, no, no, he never never see it that way. I know that despite his affection for my kids, his love for his own, and whatever his feelings may be for me, we are not his "family". "They" are. When he says "mi casa" it's the one in the DR. The house we live in here he calls "la casa".

4) If the foreigner in question is NOT wealthy, how willing and understanding will the dominican be to the realities of NOT being able to send boatloads of money back home?

He understands it will not happen but as I said above, he thinks that I have enough to solve all his family's problems but just don't want to. At first we comingled our salaries but this cost me a lot of money since he thought he should be living like a king on his US paycheck. It wasn't until we separated finances that he realized his check doesn't go very far, and now knows he was better off the other way, but I won't go back.

I know there are exceptions to this, but going on about how YOUR dominican is different is already a topic on another thread.

At our most difficult point, he grew tired of me calling him an "aprovechador" and moved out for five months during which time he drank to much, skipped enough work to almost get fired, looked like hell, braided his hair, pierced his ears, fooled around, and got himself into $5K debt by spending the $ his Dominican friend gave him to hold in a CD. He was miserable. I filed for and got child support immediately after which he showed back up at "la casa" with his bag of belongings and we now live "happily" together (haircut, no more earrings, no drinking) with a portion of his check going to my account each week. It eats him alive that he's paying child support- says that no Dominican women no matter how poor (in theory or in real life, that he knows of) would or has ever filed for child support and that for me to do it, earning more than him, is a tribute to my extreme greediness. At the same time, he doesn't (never did)contribute to any house/living expenses since he has to save for his birthright 6-week visit to Mami from Christmas-right-on-through-to-Patronales. Nope, no 1 or 2 week vacations for MY Dominican.

Here's the thing though folks, take away his Dominicanisms, and he's a good soul (why I love him). BUT, he IS a Dominican. While I don't want to put up with crap or disrepect myself, I try not to lose sight of the fact that he acts the only way he's ever seen men act (generally irresponsible and immature) and believes in the things he was taught and grew up experiencing. I got what I signed up for, and am perfectly willing to take responsibility for that. We're still together agreeing to disagree and learning that there is a reason behind all of our differences, trying to understand each other view points and making concessions to each other. He's a Dominican, but not the same one that arrived here two years ago. Proof of that is lately I've caught him griping to himself about how much his friends/family will expect FROM HIM in the way of hand outs during his visit, and "they have no idea that it's not so easy here... how I sweat for every peso I've got" etc. I tell him OH MY GOD YOU"RE ME!!! and actually get him to laughingly admit it! He has learned from me and I from him. When we make a little progress it's gratifying enough to want to go for more.

So on we go for now in our disfunctional married bliss.

[margaret]

Originally Posted by jeanmarie

[COLOR="royalblue"]
Nope, no 1 or 2 week vacations for MY Dominican.

Here's the thing though folks, take away his Dominicanisms, and he's a good soul (why I love him). BUT, he IS a Dominican. While I don't want to put up with crap or disrepect myself, I try not to lose sight of the fact that he acts the only way he's ever seen men act (generally irresponsible and immature) and believes in the things he was taught and grew up experiencing. I got what I signed up for, and am perfectly willing to take responsibility for that. We're still together agreeing to disagree and learning that there is a reason behind all of our differences, trying to understand each other view points and making concessions to each other. He's a Dominican, but not the same one that arrived here two years ago.

So on we go for now in our disfunctional married bliss.

This is so sad, I hope he gets out soon and finds someone who REALLY loves him. You sound like a control freak who takes pleasure in changing people. I'm sure I must be wrong and reading you the out of context. I hope so. Tell me I'm wrong but look at your words.

It seems when you embark on a bi-cultural relationship you both have to love the differences that you find in each other and not strip away the culture and look to the day when they assimilate. You should be soaking in the language, history, culture. And he should be able to say... "Look at her, she's more Dominican than I am." Or "she knows more about my history than I do." I wish you all the best, sincerely. It's not easy and I don't have a lot of hope for you and your marriage with what you've said.

[MommC]

Originally Posted by margaret

This is so sad, I hope he gets out soon and finds someone who REALLY loves him. You sound like a control freak who takes pleasure in changing people. I'm sure I must be wrong and reading you the out of context. I hope so. Tell me I'm wrong but look at your words.

It seems when you embark on a bi-cultural relationship you both have to love the differences that you find in each other and not strip away the culture and look to the day when they assimilate. You should be soaking in the language, history, culture. And he should be able to say... "Look at her, she's more Dominican than I am." Or "she knows more about my history than I do." I wish you all the best, sincerely. It's not easy and I don't have a lot of hope for you and your marriage with what you've said.

I think she knows the history,culture,language very well.
She also knows how irresponsible DR men can be and states the obvious when she says her and her children and their child are not 'family'! Family is his mother and siblings and long lost father who now sees an 'easy' life thanks to a son marrying a 'gringa'.
I think she knows only to well what would happen if she opened her purse and let him have full access to HER funds - she and the children would end up bancrupt and his family in the DR would only squander the money away and remain as poor as they are now......

Get real!!!!

I think her marriage has a very good prospect of continuing and 'growing' because she is letting her Dominican 'mature' and find out for himself (with a little prodding) what true love/responsability/respect means!

Well done jeanmarie and good luck!

[margaret]

Originally Posted by MommC

Get real!!!!

You're right! I’m sorry, my comment was callous and really harsh considering I don’t know this couple and especially jeanmarie. I agree with separate bank accounts and contributing equally to the family or at least to the best of your ability. I’ll try to think carefully about giving my two cents on the lives of people I don’t know. Best wishes for happiness and keep your sense of humour.

[Berzin]

Originally Posted by margaret

You're right! I’m sorry, my comment was callous and really harsh considering I don’t know this couple and especially jeanmarie. I agree with separate bank accounts and contributing equally to the family or at least to the best of your ability. I’ll try to think carefully about giving my two cents on the lives of people I don’t know. Best wishes for happiness and keep your sense of humour.

Yes, with all due respect Margaret your last comment was off base. I don't understand what learning the culture has to do with refusing to get taken advantage of.

But you did apologize, so let me go to jeanmarie-I've read some pretty outstanding posts as of late, but jeanmarie yours takes the cake. I applaud your honesty in telling us your story. Incredible. Thank you very much.

[2LeftFeet]

I filed for and got child support . He's paying child support- says that no Dominican women no matter how poor (in theory or in real life, that he knows of) would or has ever filed for child support.

.....well ....you're not a dominicana! Welcome to the US??!

This takes the cake! I don't know why I love this but I do. Maybe because you stood up for yourself and your child/children. This is perfect.

I guess now he understands that there are different rules in the US? regarding women/family and children.

[Berzin]

Originally Posted by 2LeftFeet

I filed for and got child support . He's paying child support- says that no Dominican women no matter how poor (in theory or in real life, that he knows of) would or has ever filed for child support.

.....well ....you're not a dominicana! Welcome to the US??!

This takes the cake! I don't know why I love this but I do. Maybe because you stood up for yourself and your child/children. This is perfect.

I guess now he understands that there are different rules in the US? regarding women/family and children.

Funny enough, he more than likely doesn't know any dominican who pays child support. They just leave these kids out there to fend for themselves as best(or worst) they can.

But he certainly got nailed here in the good ol' US of A!!! HAHAHA!!!

[lafleurb]

I've been reading this thread with avid interest. I've been married to a Dominicana for almost 3 years now and we are currently separated, on the verge of divorce. One of the biggest issues we have is this constant feeling I have that I am #2 and her family is #1. Money issues as described here are the biggest reason.

The thing is, Yroquis moved here more than a decade ago, worked her way through college and got an accounting degree, and was deliberately looking for a gringo [unlike her Domincan friends here in the States] because she found Dominican men chauvinistic and irresponsible. So in many ways she's very Americanised. Her family is poor by American standards, on and off unemployment, her 2 brothers barely got through high school and no college. There is a constant pressure in her mind to find ways to convince me to send money to her family. A bit more than a year ago she insisted that we give her Mother $4000 towards her house in the DR. [She actually threatened divorce!] Yro still sends $50/mth to her Mother from her spending money [we pool our income and budget everything together even though I make 3/4 of the money - i get the same amount of spending money as her]. She's complaining now that she should get a lot more spending money [$500/mth?] and I have no doubt that much of it will go to her Mother. I also know that her Mother has on many occasions told Yroquis that she should be giving her more money. This from a woman who has lived in the U.S. for more than 10 years and doesn't speak a word of English or have a drivers license? The word despicable comes to mind.

Sorry for venting...

The thing is I love my wife. She is the most beautiful person I've ever met, sweet and kind, sensitive and funny. I have never loved another woman more. But Yroquis and I still don't have an emergency fund built up yet, and we have lots of expensive projects that need doing around our new home. Not to mention that I'd like to travel with her, etc. For me all of those things come first because they involve us, Yroquis and I, our family. Her family should be the last item on the list, not the first.

How do I get her to understand that I'm not cheap? How do I get her to understand that here in America her husband should come first, not her birth family? What can I tell her so that she understands that my refusal to send them money isn't a way of saying I hate them?

[margaret]

My suggestion would be to sit down together with your wife with someone from your bank and go over all your expenditures and see what you can cut. I'm sure you can cut something and contribute to an emergency fund, vacation fund and create a fund for gifts to your family. Maybe if she participates in the budgeting and financial planning with a third party, she'll see that you need to cover all the bases with the income you have and she will also have to act differently as a consumer inorder to help the family back home. Hopefully she won't accuse you of holding back and you'll be able to help her family and meet all your own objectives.

I think you should use a third party from the bank for this and bring her to the meeting. She needs to learn more about financial planning. That's my 2 pesos.

[margaret]

Originally Posted by lafleurb

The thing is I love my wife. She is the most beautiful person I've ever met, sweet and kind, sensitive and funny. I have never loved another woman more.

And what a lucky lady she is! Best of luck to you!