Relationships for Women 101

[planner]

After passing this by Anna (our moderator) I am going to break this long post down into 3 parts!!!!

IF you are new to this forum please read this. IF you have a new relationship please read this. OR if it applies to someone you know - have them read it.....

Relationships in the Dominican Republic
You're here for a 1 or 2 week vacation or maybe living here - you have to get realistic about Dominican relationships. Basically there are 3 different scenarios:

First: The tourists

Women come to this country and get their heads turned by the men! There are many truly stunning men here, with good bodies, beautiful smiles and other “things”. Women have been watching “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” and are all the new “Stella”…….. Women come here and get seduced by the island mentality, the Hollywood / Harlequin romance dream. And then they get seduced by a Sankie!!!!

What is a sankie???? A man (or Sankiette for the women) who makes a profession of preying on naïve tourists. He is someone who works in a field that gives him access to tourists – hotel worker, taxi driver, bartender etc etc etc But it can also be a lawyer, bank teller etc. The key is access to tourists and intent. He will then use that access to appeal to your need for romance, your need to be wanted, your need to experience the “dream” to separate you from your common sense, your wallet and in some cases your future.

He will make you feel special. He is often sooooo smooth. The key is – he is beyond most women’s realm of experience. Often we wonder if women exchange their brain cells on the plane for an extra dose of hormones! Seriously, whatever happened to common sense? There are tales of professionals – bank executives with master’s degrees falling for this. It is not just the needy – the stereotyped older, larger, less attractive woman but also the young or middle aged, beautiful, slim, highly educated women who get conned!!!

Rule: – all hotel workers are sankies. There are no exceptions! OF course that is not actually true – but, for you, the tourist – IT IS TRUE!!!!!!

The only thing you will be guilty of is bad judgement when things start to stare you in the face. There are things you need to be aware of:

First – go to Dominican Republic News & Travel Information Service and read the Sankie forums. Read the information provided and all the stories. Do not doubt the accuracy of these stories or the advice given. Unfortunately those of us who live here and hand out the hard to hear advice know it is true!

Second – if it seems too good to be true – IT IS! Use your common sense. You will not come here on vacation and fall in love! He, who has access to hundreds of tourists every single week – will not fall in love with YOU in one week or two weeks. Actually I don’t think many of them even understand the concept. It is not culturally an issue.

It is hard to understand Dominican lifestyle and morality when it comes to sex and love. Sex is recreation (what else can you do when you have no money); morality has no part in the equation. You cannot take your North American or European standards and apply them here. It WON’T WORK.

Let’s get real here! Why would this stunning man (in many cases) who is in his 20’s, fit, want to be with a “gringa” who is 20 or 30 years older then he is? You have nothing in common other then you have money and he wants it! You are culturally worlds apart, know almost nothing about each other and often barely can communicate!

In a one or two week vacation, how much time do you actually spend together? How much do you actually know about him? And how much can you personally verify to be true? NOT confirmed by his “friends” “coworkers” or “family”……. But you actually verify….

Third – here are some common lines – if you hear them – RUN! RUN FAST! - in the other direction. “You have changed my life.” “I can’t live without you.” “No one else understands me.” “I’ve never been with a tourist before this.” “I am not married.” For other lines, just read DR1.

Fourth – should you not listen to this advice and the advice on Dominican Republic News & Travel Information Service then pay close attention to this: DO NOT SEND MONEY FOR ANY REASON!
Do not buy him a new cell phone - NO, he did not lose his. NO, it did not fall in the pool.

NO, his daughter does not need an operation and neither does his mother.
Life is hard here but he has a good (by local standards) paying job. NO, he does not need you to buy him a damn car; he can take the bus like everyone else.

NO, he does not need a computer so he can email you from home. Let him go to the internet café. It is very cheap to rent time and there is one on every corner.

His boss is not a horrendous person out to get him, so NO, he most likely was not fired. He does not need to quit his job and study English so he can be with you. Etc., etc.

REMEMBER – he got along just fine before he met you and he will do so in the future. He is not your project. He does not need your pity or sympathy.
Fifth – when he tells you he loves his country and does not want to live in yours – do not for one second believe this crap. He is dying to get out of here. He thinks the streets where you come from are paved with gold – no matter where you are from. He thinks he will go to your country and live like a king!

Sixth – if you insist on having a long distance relationship – he will NOT be monogamous!!!! It is not in the culture. It is expected that he will have other women. He will have many other tourists and most likely has a Dominican “wife”.

NOTE:As a tourist you will NOT have access to quality Dominicans. IS it possible to meet one on vacation? Yes, he could also be on vacation at your resort. Or he could show up in the disco on Saturday night. BUT, no self respecting Dominican of quality wants to be with a tourist! (The exception is a weekend fling!) They have no reason to want to. Dominican society is very class and race conscious. For more info on that read DR1. It is too complex to cover here.
Just remember this – as a tourist, ASSUME he is a sanky and act accordingly!

NOTE 2:It is not personal, it is not about you. You are not a bad person. You may be too trusting and a bit naïve. BUT you are just one in a series! This is all about them – they use women to get what they want. They are professionals!

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Second: Sex Tourists

Women who come down here to “have some fun” and not fall for the lines seem to have some basis of reality. IF that is what you want – then go for it. Don’t bother taking their phone number or mailing address. It is a business deal. You will be expected to pay while you are here and maybe give him a “gift” before you leave.

Do NOT believe them when they say they are clean – when they say they have to be tested for their work. It is not true. Look up the statistics for AIDS exposure and infection throughout this whole island. The numbers are staggering!

When potential employees are seriously being considered they must go to a lab for testing. They are NOT tested for all STD’s nor are they routinely tested afterwards! Be smart, practice safe sex. You do not have any idea who he was with yesterday or even this morning!!!

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Third: Women Who Live Here

Most women who move here alone do so for some guy they met on vacation and got into a “relationship” with. Moving here to be with them is not the subject of this portion – it is enough to say that if the choice is live here with them or take them to your country – better to live here with them for a year and see what they are actually like.

The following applies to all foreign women not married to or living with a foreign man……. This is for the women dating or in relationship with a Dominican…….

DATING & RELATIONSHIPS

A single “gringa” here will be overwhelmed by attention. The first assumption made is you are RICH. The fact you can even be here by choice makes you rich. Odds are you will forever make more money then they do. Being in a relationship here is different! Consider that a HUGE understatement.

Let me first quote HILLBILLY’s rules from DR1.com

1) He has a bank account equal to your own-in pesos, not dollars or pounds (You have 100 pounds, he has 100 pesos, that's all.). He has a Credit Card and can write a cheque.
2) He has a Visa to travel to the US, Canada or Europe
3) He is educated to the equivalent of your own level: High School, Tech School whatever.....

If there is a "no" to any one of these, then essentially you are wasting your time.

**** NO self respecting Dominican woman pays on a date! Let that be your standard. If he can’t afford to take you out then stay home.

**** DO NOT date resort workers! They are sankies. DO NOT date men who work in tourism. They are sankies. For all intents and purposes there are NO exceptions.

**** You are who you associate with. This is very important and likely very different then what you are used to. Be careful who you associate with. If you befriend resort workers aka Sankies, then you are judged as like them.
SPECIAL NOTE: do not have anything to do with anyone who does drugs, sells drugs or is interested in drugs!!!! You can and will be set up to take a fall and you do not want to be in a Dominican jail.

**** You will always and forever be a GRINGA. Get over it. Your goal is to be accepted. You will never be one of them; you will always be an outsider but an accepted outsider.

**** Spend a year or two dating – assuming you did not come down for one guy – get a feeling for the place, understand the culture, work, socialize, enjoy and then you will be able to “maybe” handle a relationship.

**** If you are in a relationship with a Dominican man, set up the ground rules early. Do not make allowances; do not give them an inch because they will take a mile.

**** This sounds CRUEL – but true – if they break the rules, **** you off, cheat on you etc., etc. – re-explain the rules. Second infraction - cut him loose immediately. There are 500 more in line wanting a gringa!

**** Make a budget and make your Dominican partner pay a percentage of the costs. DO NOT PAY FOR EVERYTHING. EVER!!!!! They must contribute, maybe not the same as you as they likely cannot afford your lifestyle. Paying nothing makes him a kept man – is that really what you want??? (Well heck, maybe it is….LOL)

**** Just because he has a family does not make them your responsibility. Set ground rules around this very early. Otherwise they will all see you as the eternal money faucet. Dominican families (and Dominicans in general) tend to be very good about sharing resources - if someone gets sick or needs some financial help, they will often scrape up money from very extended parts of the family to try and pay the bill. Thus, a Dominican boyfriend EXPECTS that you will have some extra money to share with the family. But set the rules around this early.

**** In the beginning – we are talking like 2 or 3 years – you will not have access to Dominicans of quality. We are talking about the upper class. Set your sights on the middle class or the working class. See the comments above regarding class and race. Again there are exceptions but hey get real they don’t apply to you or anyone you know.

Once you have proven you are serious about living here, you have developed a life here, have a good reputation – then you MIGHT gain access to other parts of society here. But, don’t count on it; it really isn’t all that likely.

**** When socializing with your Dominican boyfriend remember where he belongs in society. Most of the cases: he will be very uncomfortable around your gringo / gringa friends. He has nothing in common with them. He does not feel comfortable in nice restaurants. This is not what he is used to. Most likely he will make a macho attempt at proving he fits in and it can be quite embarrassing!

**** It is your responsibility to learn Spanish! Do not insist he learn English. You are a guest in this country and it is in your best interest to learn Spanish. If he speaks your language, do not leave yourself in his hands to translate for you. This is a common ploy of Dominican men to keep their gringas in the dark. You need to understand what is being said around you!

**** Do not under any circumstances allow him to control your life. Do not believe everything he says. Do not trust him implicitly. Check things out! And don’t feel guilty about it. Do not let go of your friendships. Do not stop associating with your gringa friends.

**** You are not his personal slave. Dominican men are mostly mamma’s boys. They have been catered to by women most or all of their lives. If this is not what you want then don’t do it. Do not get him accustomed to you picking up after him or being at his beck and call. Hire other locals to do it for you! OR let him do the hiring!

**** You are in a very macho society. There is a very evident double standard, well maybe a triple standard. Men can do what they want and they are men. Some Dominican women can behave in certain ways and they are “surviving”. You however will be labelled a SLUT. Either learn to be very. very discreet or keep your knees shut. Gringas going from man to man are labelled. This is a very small society and don’t for a moment think that whatever you do is not being noticed and commented upon. There is no hiding here!

**** Dating is another world here! Dating moves at lightening speed – unlike most things that operate on Dominican time! It will move from a date or two to the bedroom, to him quietly slipping his personal items into your home or apartment. Next things you know – he never leaves!!!!!

**** Make sure you understand how to protect yourself financially here! If you bring assets into the country and are in a relationship there are specific risks and specific ways to protect yourself. Again read Dominican Republic News & Travel Information Service legal forums. There is a wealth of information on this site. OR, seek the help of a lawyer.

**** THE DDD…. Definitely Different Dominican…..
Whatever you finally decide to do, do not for one moment ever think that your man is somehow ‘different’ and would never do any of these things to you. Let me assure you, you have absolutely no frame of reference back wherever you come from to be able to deal with this kind of person. NONE!
Sankies are a breed onto their own and have 52 weeks a year and the potential for practicing on at least 40 or so women before he gets to you. He is a professional in the true sense of the word and you are a lamb being led to slaughter.

Lots of warnings! Lots of information! ……. Now you must be scared silly…. That IS the intent. Be afraid! Be very afraid!

There are some relationships that work here. But they only work well when you take responsibility for yourself, for being educated, for being aware of what is going on around you and act accordingly.

[Bronxboy]

Definitely sticky material.

If this does not teach them, NOTHING will.

Good job!!!!

[planner]

Thanks - figured it was time to put it in one place. I get tired of typing......

[angie12]

AWESOME POST!!! Hopefully it will help, however I'm afraid there are still some women out there who refuse to see reality and no matter how much info they are presented with--- will still believe "he is different"...

Nadie experimenta en cabeza ajena...

[SKY]

Great stuff, you covered all of it.

One more thing if you think you have the one "Jewel".

THE TEST

Very simple. Have another girl call him, tell him she met him awhile ago. Is he still available?, etc. Record the call. This can save you a lot of grief.

[planner]

I know you offered that on another thread too.....LOL Would work if needed that is for sure. That would go into the Tourist and Sankie section.

[whirleybird]

Congrats Planner... well thought through, well worded and terrific advice - I hope the potential 'victims' read and heed all you said.

[korejdk]

4 years and I still fail at times to "get" it - "It is hard to understand Dominican lifestyle and morality"
great post !