Is my husband a sanky?

[Stingray]

Here is our story:

My husband and I met in November of 2007 on the website Dominicancupid. From the first day we met, we talked on the phone and chatted online every day. At the time, my husband was working and earning a decent salary. He is a physician graduated from a foreign medical school. After a month, he asked me to marry him and I accepted (YES, I know). When I came to visit him for New Years we got married in a big ceremony in the catholic church. He paid for everything: rings, licenses, ceremony, attire, flowers, reception, everything. He was very affectionate, loving, and always held my hand. Shortly afterward, I returned to the US.

After I returned home, my husband told me that he lost his job (this happened right before our wedding but he never told me) but was looking for a new one. In March of '08 I left my job in the US and moved to the DR to be with him at the urging of my parents, who do not believe married couples should be separated. I brought some money with me ($1500) because my husband is trying to get his official license from the DR in order to set up his own practice here. We ended up using this money to pay for household expenses in his uncle's house, where we were living. Much to my annoyance, the family seemed to think la gringa rica should pay for everything and frequently more than 16 people would show up to eat in the house. This continued for a month and a half, using up all the money, upon which time my husband decided we should move in with his aunt, as it would be cheaper.

During this time, I noticed that my husband was a LOT less affectionate than during my first trip. He says this is because he never received affection as a child and it is just not a part of his personality. This does carry some truth, as he never kisses any of the women in his family and even shakes hands with his mother. I still felt somewhat deceived as it was completely different from my first experiences with him.

After moving in the aunt, things improved financially, although my husband still did not have a job. My parents and family came down to celebrate our wedding (a symbolic ceremony in english) and gave us a good sum or money as a gift. We ended up using this money over the course of the next several months to pay for all our expenses. In August, my husband finally applied to obtain his license. He made frequent trips alone to the capital, often for many days, and spent the remainder of the money supposedly obtaining the papers. In the meantime, my own accounts ran out of money. In total, including our wedding gifts, we have spent $10,000 over the past 10 months. My husband earned maybe $500 or $600 of this doing jobs for different family members.

Over the next few months, whenever we needed money, my husband would ask me to call my family or friends in the States for a "loan". Once in a while, but rarely, he would call his brother in Italy for the same, but we never received money from him. My family ended up giving us another $1000 to live on. My husband still has no job and no license. I still have no money. We are in the final stages of the visa process (his family is paying this time) and I need to know what to do before I take that final unreversable step. Is he a sanky the used me for the money and is now waiting for the visa, or not?

Btw, before you say it. I know, I did not have a long enough courtship and did not get to know him well enough before we married. I cannot change the past, only the future and so that is why I am writing this thread. For advice on what to do in the future. Thanks in advance for your honest opinions.

[murilka]

Looks like he used you for the US Visa....

Have you seen a documented proof that he ever worked as a physician and holds a medical degree? Why wouldn't he work as a nurse to support you (his family) if he's waiting for licence? from your post i formed an impression that was never his intention...

BTW, $10000.00 US for 10 months in DR is a lot of money....

[danely]

The immediate litmus test should be proof of the actual diploma from the "foreign" medical school (was a specific country ever mentioned ?, if so, are there the appropriate visas and entry/exit stamps in his passport for that country?, student visa, etc. ?)

Do you see any file folders around containing the types of documents one would need to present to the DR government agencies, medical board, etc.?, such as those he would have been processing on his trips in August.....those would be telling.

As for the money, I can easily see going through that much money in that period of time....especially if there are a lot of other people feeding off it, and swirling around to other family members, and trips to the capitol for the application process, etc., so the quantity of money doesn't seem alarming under those circumstances. You said that he supposedly got the papers, so where is the medical licecnse ? If he got it why not start practicing medicine...you are already there ! And why would you bother to get that at the same time that you are applying for a spouse visa to another country (USA, Canada ?) where you would not be able to practice medicine with the Dominican medical license, to my knowledge, and would probably never realistically be able to do it through testing processes, equivalent experience/residency programs, etc., either. And has there been any real effort that you know of at researching what might be involved in his working in the medical field in some, or any, capacity in your country ?

Just food for thought, and simple things you could look for, which together with a lot of your accumulated facts along the way might lead you to a correct conclusion and decision.

In any case, good luck with whatever you decide.

[margaret]

Originally Posted by Stingray

Here is our story:

During this time, I noticed that my husband was a LOT less affectionate than during my first trip. He says this is because he never received affection as a child and it is just not a part of his personality. This does carry some truth, as he never kisses any of the women in his family and even shakes hands with his mother. I still felt somewhat deceived as it was completely different from my first experiences with him..

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man?

Originally Posted by Stingray

He made frequent trips alone to the capital, often for many days, and spent the remainder of the money supposedly obtaining the papers.

Sounds fishy and you know it.

Originally Posted by Stingray

We are in the final stages of the visa process (his family is paying this time) and I need to know what to do before I take that final unreversable step. Is he a sanky the used me for the money and is now waiting for the visa, or not?

His family is paying now?
Either A) They want to get rid of him or
B) It's a good investment in their own future settlement in the USA.
Look Stingray, you know the answer. Trust your instincts. Shake his hand and say farewell.

[Stingray]

To answer your questions, yes, he did practice medicine for a short time here using a friend's license # but did not want problems and after an issue with his boss left the company. I saw his ID for the company he said he worked for, so I believe this.

I have absolutely no doubts that he is a real doctor. I have seen his diploma and transcripts, and all his medical books are in our house. I have personally visited his medical school with him and met several of his teachers (we did this b/c he was missing some crucial documents that were stolen out of his uncle's house). His passport does have all visas in it. I have visited the cancillaria (sp? sorry) in the capital with him to get these papers legalized. The holdup on the license is supposedly coming from the government here in the DR. He filed the papers to obtain it in August but whenever he goes to the office, they tell him the license is not ready yet and promise to have it the next month. Is this typical Dominican government?

He applied for the medical license here before we applied for the visa. His reasons were 1. so I didn't think he married me for the visa and 2. because neither of us knew exactly how long the visa process would take and he would need to work in the meantime, preferably in his profession.

Yes, he has researched what would be involved to practice medicine in the US. He has contacted both the Army and Navy to see what they can do to help since this would provide him with immediate income and insurance while he is studying to take the exams. He also has researched the exam itself, I believe it is called the MLE, online to see what he needs to do.

I guess what really bothers me the most is the outrageous amount of money that I have spent while here. It is more than I would have paid for rent & food living in NJ! Also, he spends a lot of time (without me) in the capital, supposedly researching the license and getting money from his uncles to help pay the bills. Usually visits are 3-4 days at a time, and he does not always come home with money, maybe only 60% of the time. These are all red flags for me...

[Stingray]

Originally Posted by margaret

His family is paying now?
Either A) They want to get rid of him or
B) It's a good investment in their own future settlement in the USA.
Look Stingray, you know the answer. Trust your instincts. Shake his hand and say farewell.

Sometimes easier said then done. My problems:
1. A catholic wedding not easily annulled.
2. I am 5 months pregnant.

Btw, the person paying, or helping to pay, for the visa is an American citizen. The Dominican relatives are not contributing. In addition, his cousin, also American, has agreed to a joint financial sponsorship of him. The cousin and the aunt are financially well off - own their own home, have a job, cars, etc., so don't really stand anything to gain.

I am not arguing. I know what you are saying and there is a reason why I am writing this to begin with and that is my own instincts. I just want to make sure all the facts are clear and a decision really solid before I leave myself with no husband and my baby with no father.

[M.A.R.]

commenting on his lack of affection, this seems to be something that i hear a lot from the women married to Dominican men, once they are married the man neglects his wife, I guess because he feels he already has her no need to be affectionate anymore, of course not all men or women are like this but a good number are.

[simpson Homer]

Listen you are having bad vibes about him otherwise you wont be posting here. You said this clear that you dont know him long enough.

10K in ten month what do you expect his expenses will be after he get to the USA?

I do anything not to ask money to my wife, use my credit card, worst to worst I get a ****ty job at least to have some money.

RUN before is too late! tell me how happy he gets when you dont give him money and when you give him?

Pack your stuff and go home before is too late. Got not class, not shame, not pride to tell you "ask money to your parents"

Dont take that nightmare to the US, I have the feeling you will do it anyway
believe me you lost the trust already then will be the denial stage then thing will get worse when you are going to open you eyes and will be too late.

I can be wrong but that **** about his parents not giving him afection thats the wrong excuse for him not to be affectionated with you. In his mind you run out of money why he would have affection for you and the worst for him is that you are are there.

Originally Posted by Stingray

To answer your questions, yes, he did practice medicine for a short time here using a friend's license # but did not want problems and after an issue with his boss left the company. I saw his ID for the company he said he worked for, so I believe this.

I have absolutely no doubts that he is a real doctor. I have seen his diploma and transcripts, and all his medical books are in our house. I have personally visited his medical school with him and met several of his teachers (we did this b/c he was missing some crucial documents that were stolen out of his uncle's house). His passport does have all visas in it. I have visited the cancillaria (sp? sorry) in the capital with him to get these papers legalized. The holdup on the license is supposedly coming from the government here in the DR. He filed the papers to obtain it in August but whenever he goes to the office, they tell him the license is not ready yet and promise to have it the next month. Is this typical Dominican government?

He applied for the medical license here before we applied for the visa. His reasons were 1. so I didn't think he married me for the visa and 2. because neither of us knew exactly how long the visa process would take and he would need to work in the meantime, preferably in his profession.

Yes, he has researched what would be involved to practice medicine in the US. He has contacted both the Army and Navy to see what they can do to help since this would provide him with immediate income and insurance while he is studying to take the exams. He also has researched the exam itself, I believe it is called the MLE, online to see what he needs to do.

I guess what really bothers me the most is the outrageous amount of money that I have spent while here. It is more than I would have paid for rent & food living in NJ! Also, he spends a lot of time (without me) in the capital, supposedly researching the license and getting money from his uncles to help pay the bills. Usually visits are 3-4 days at a time, and he does not always come home with money, maybe only 60% of the time. These are all red flags for me...

[La Mariposa]

Originally Posted by Stingray

Sometimes easier said then done. My problems:
1. A catholic wedding not easily annulled.
2. I am 5 months pregnant.

Btw, the person paying, or helping to pay, for the visa is an American citizen. The Dominican relatives are not contributing. In addition, his cousin, also American, has agreed to a joint financial sponsorship of him. The cousin and the aunt are financially well off - own their own home, have a job, cars, etc., so don't really stand anything to gain.

I am not arguing. I know what you are saying and there is a reason why I am writing this to begin with and that is my own instincts. I just want to make sure all the facts are clear and a decision really solid before I leave myself with no husband and my baby with no father.

Do you really think this man is a real husband to you and that he will be a father to your child?? Why don't you go with him to the capital ? I guess he has all the right arguments for you not to go. I am sure you think that he has another woman in the capital and so do I.

Have you talked about all you wrote in this forum with your parents?? I am sure you have not and you will not either.

[Alyonka]

Marriage without real feelings and affection from his side will fail one way or another - mine did and a lot of people I know When I see the way my ex treats his current wife - I realize he only had friendly feelings for me to start with. So, good luck to you, but I would not try hard to make it work. You will only realize in the future it made no sense at all and you have just wasted your time and money.