I don't usually comment on these matters sinces I feel they are deeply personal but in this case I have a different point of view from most posters.
This is what I think went wrong
1. You basically told him not to work. If his skills and experience are in the Resort Entertainment field then that is where he is going to have offers. what other kind of work did you honestly expect him to find?
2. You decided you wanted to support him financially and then felt that you had the right to tell him what to do. Like others have said Dominican men are very macho. And although you feel that you should have a say on everything he does he is going to show you that he is still a "man"
3. You made him look bad infront of his family. You never do that.
4. Don't expect him to really pay you back.
I don't think you should feel used. It was your choice to support him. Stop calling him because when you do he feels that he still has you. Don't threaten him to get him to talk to you. Wait a month or two, see if he calms down and calls you then you can talk about things.
Not ALL Dominican men are sankies
[QUOTE=mountainannie;716428]The relationship between men and women here on this island (both sides) are so different that really, really, truely (madly deeply) there is not going to be ANY way for an American, or Canadian woman to adjust to a Dominican man unless she meets a lot of criteria --- such as -- speaking fluent Spanish, being raised and trained in a religion which really supports male patriarchal, dominance, having a deep tolerance for infidelity--- I am sorry to tell you all this... /QUOTE]
I have to add my 2 cents here. In 1975 I went on vacation to DR with a friend who went there often. She introduced me to a Dominican she knew who was a dealer in the hotel casino. Long story short, we've been married 32 years, have 2 children, 27 & 29 yrs old, and a beautiful 2 yr old grandson who we've brought to the DR twice. I didn't speak a word of Spanish in '75 and I learned quickly that I would sit like a bump on a log with his large family because he was the only one who spoke English. Today I speak Spanish well enough. His family is my family and vice-versa. We own property in the DR and visit there a couple of times a year. He's a wonderful husband and father, and the best son-in-law my parents could have ever imagined. I'm an Italian American New Yorker who would never tolerate infidelity - not all Dominican men are the same (although I must admit that more than one of my five sister-in-laws have gone through hell because of it). Within 10 years we'll be retiring, and will probably spend 6 months a year in the DR. That friend who introduced us in '75 has been living in Santo Domingo over 10 years now -some of you may even know her - and except for our political differences we're still good buddies!
First for the "uxoricide" I did suffer through a couple of years of Latin but I would not have used it since the women in question are often not wives.
And, certainly, I did not mean to imply that ALL Dominican men were Sankies- just that it is very hard adjustment. And, I suggest that it would have been a very different marriage for you, as an American, if you had stayed here in the DR.
And Mujermaravilla is right- there were some strategic mistakes, which may be clear in hindsight but no one goes into marriage with a battle plan. Most of us are infected with the virus of "being in love" and assume that we have "found the prince" (or the princess- this one works both ways) and while we may know - what - a small slice of the person, we just fill in the rest. The rest of the life together is spent working it out, getting to know one another, adjusting, adapting, hopefully really discovering love.
So I am Completely in accord with the GREAT letter that was posted. Who was that who took the time out of her day to write that wonderful letter? I will go back and check...Well, good on ya.
perfectly said... just like the one my Dad wrote to the department stores to let them know that he would no longer be responsible for my mother's debts.... clear, conconcise, to the point, no nonense... and, as a courtesy, you might want to be sure that someone drops a copy off at your soon to be ex's house. (Unlike just waiting til my Mom finishes all the school clothes shopping for us at the nice department store and then gets called into the Credit department....sob... sob... ok... so we all know where my stuff comes from -- THAT is only the teensy tip of it!)
RUN - well - you are back in Canada aren't you?
You got off cheaply. Consider it a good "year abroad" program.
Thank you everyone for your comments. I have a question......if I don't notify immigration that I am discontinuing sponsorship will he get to come to Canada? I thought he could only enter via my sponsorship......am I incorrect.
I have to be honest with everyone .....if he were to say sorry right now i would forgive him. Plan A is I want my marriage. I think our biggest problem is the culture difference and I should have researched this so that i had a better understanding. Right now, I don't believe there will be an opportunity for us to turn this around.........I am hurting badly!!!
It is not my nature to do bad things to others, BUT, I will notify immigration (not today, I need a little time as once I initiate that it is truly over). Will I get the processing fees back?
I have informed him that he needs to repay me only the money spent on the wedding as he always committed to doing that. He asked me to provide him a breakdown of all the costs.......I did that yesterday......but I have not heard from him yet.
I am in shock about the culture differences being so significant. When I left the DR on Jan 1st we were good, he told me not to cry, he is in my heart, very good with me and will see me soon in Canada. His brother's girlfriend told me that the brother said to my husband when they returned from the airport "if any woman talked to me like that I would leave her forever"......my husband's response was "I won't leave her". And now this. Am I totally ignorant to be thinking the brother and/or family has totally manipulated his thought process?
My grief stage right now is still, "what the hell happened?"...............
Your continued comments are welcomed...............
I also can't even turn my mind to what the divorce process looks like. I have to make another comment. During my relationship, I have met 3 other woman married to DR men........2 woman from Canada and 1 from Spain. All 3 said they were insistant that their men did not work in entertainment while they were waiting to join their wifes. I feel very confused about everything.
I guess you are sensing how fragile my emotions are right now. I miss talking to him terribly.
Now, why would be you be insistent that they not work in entertainment?
Originally Posted by Canadian Fooled
I guess the logic is why would you want your husband dancing with drunk woman falling all over them every night.................
Read the link that Margaret gave you, you might get some of the money back which isn't much compared to what you've already spent.
May I ask you where in the process you are? When were you approved as a sponsor, when was it sent to Haiti?
My husband's application was approved in Canada on December 2, 2008 and forwarded to the Canadian VISA office in the DR on December 5, 2008........won't they contact me before processing his immigration papers?
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