please help a Canadian marrying a Dominican

[la_barbie]

I waited for 6 years traveling back and forth and we never even talked about marriage until around our 4th year, than got married the following year and now have a son... what's the rush ?

You're better off waiting to get married and actually develop a relationship rather than getting hitched, whisking him away from there to here... most like Toronto... am I right ? and than dealing with him leaving you because you guys aren't as compatible as you though - and along with that goes financial obligations as a sponsor...

Turn the vacation mode in your head off and think straight... I'm only 2 years younger than you and if I were in your position I would still do the same !

This is a prime example of how Sankies get here... and why the good ones have a hard time getting here !

[Sweetkiwi]

Originally Posted by trina

Wonderful advice, Sammy. I rarely post here anymore, my pride gets in the way ;-). Somehow this morning I'm setting it aside and feel compelled to write. I remember feeling how you felt. Immigration couldn't process the papers fast enough for me, I wanted my husband to be with me in Canada the moment we were married, or before. I'd lived in the DR, and thought I knew who I married. I was marrying a religious man who didn't drink or do drugs. From a good, yet poor, uneducated family. None of that mattered. I was in love.

Finally the day came that he arrived in Canada. Bliss. For a couple of months. Then I started to see a different person than I thought I knew in the DR. Moody, lazy, immature, irresponsible; these are the first adjectives that pop into my mind. We had a baby, things got worse. I worked 2 jobs until almost the day that I delivered because working got in the way of his watching TV and keeping the couch warm. We barely had money to buy groceries at times, but money had to be sent to the DR every month for his family. I put off paying bills to send money to his "family". I later found out the recipient of a lot of these funds was his girlfriend in the DR. I lied to friends and family to save face. I made excuse after excuse for him. I lost myself. I felt sorry for him, here all alone, not knowing the language, surely if he went to school and learned the language, he would be a contributing part of our family. I was a very stupid, naive girl. He went to great lengths not to learn the language. I found jobs for him in which you didn't need to speak the language to work, or better yet, with Spanish-speaking bosses. He created drama after drama after drama so he could quit his jobs or get fired. Had another baby, things continued to go downhill. Now we had 3 children, (he had one from a previous relationship that came to live with us and still lives with me. This son, Angelo, is my rock, I love him as my own and am grateful that he came into my life.) and I felt that I was the single mother of four children, the eldest being very handicapped. I felt weak, helpless, and tired. I worked all the time, and didn't have the energy for my children. I felt so guilty, but didn't know how to do things differently.

The straw that broke the camels back came in October 2006 (after 6 years of marriage) when his Dominican friends told me Angel had been cheating on me for a very long time. Angel had been pressuring me to buy land in the DR so that we could build a house there. I was ready to do it, even took out a line of credit to do so. When I confronted him, he threatened me with a baseball bat. That was the first occasion of violence. Months following were hell. We officially seperated Dec 12, 2006. Paid him nearly $15000 to get out of my house, life, and as a property settlement, although he didn't deserve a penny. He went to the DR; I gladly bought him a charter flight (cheapest, but can't buy one-way) to get him out of my life. He paid to change the return flight of the ticket and came back in January to try and win me back. I wouldn't, I was done. Bought him another flight to get rid of him, and surprise surprise, he's back again in February. This time I wouldn't let him into the house and police were called to get him off my property. He apparently lived in the streets in February, caught pneumonia (supposedly), and called me "on his deathbed". Another drama. I have a stupid weak heart. Let him into the house at the end of Feb, only to get him well again and to move him out.

On March 5, 2007, I came home at 9:00 PM after working since 6:30 that morning. My son Dominic told me that daddy wasn't very nice to Angelo, ever, and that on that night, he'd beat Angelo. I was mortified. Angel (ex) heard Dominic, vehemenently denied it. Called Angelo, and said, "Angelo, what happened here tonight?" Angelo wouldn't look at me and said, "nothing". But his eyes didn't lie. I could tell something very bad happened that night, but Angelo was scared of his father. I had noticed all along that Angelo was scared of his dad, but I thought it was because he yelled at him lots; never did I dream that in the 6 years of our marriage, Angel frequently hit and threatened all three kids. I decided to leave things alone for the night. I tucked Angelo in and whispered in his ear that whatever happened, he can trust me and we'd talk in the morning. Angelo fought back the tears, but I could see a hint of relief on his face.

March 6, I woke Angelo up for school. I quietly took him downstairs and asked him what happened. He said his dad got mad at him, pulled him from his room upstairs to the main floor bathroom by his ear, smashed his head into the sink several times, forced soap in this mouth, threw him against a wall, and threatened to throw a chair at him. I asked him if these things had happened before. He said it happened all the time, but Angel told him he'd kill him if he told. He said his dad frequently told him "te voy a cortar los granos", called him "mariconaso", "asqueroso", "muchacho mierda", "jodon", and many other horrible things. He also said his father frequently threatened to kill him. I felt weak, I sank to the floor, and was overcome by guilt. Then I got mad. Really angry.

I went to Dominic's room, where Angel was sleeping. I told him that I was calling the police, and if he wanted to run, he'd better run now, because I was going to get him for what he'd done to my sons. He said the police were going to have to get him. Angel grabbed me from behind and started choking me with his forearm. I started to black out. With the little strength I could muster, I hit him in the groin, causing him to release. I dialed 911. He wrangled the phone away from me and started repeatedly pounding me with his fist. All over my body. I ran to my bedroom to get a pillow over my head, because that was where he was concentrating his blows. I still feel badly about that because Dom and Noah were sleeping, and they awoke to see their father beating me. Things happened so fast, survivor instinct kicks in, and you don't know what to do. He went downstairs, and I got scared, because that was where the baseball bats and tools were. I managed to brace myself against the door to lock him in, but he was running on adrenelin and very strong. He started pounding at the door with something. Thank God, the police arrived just in time. Angel had a claw hammer, and I have no doubt had they not arrived when they did, I would not be alive today.

Following these incidents, Angel was charged and convicted of assault causing bodily harm on both Angelo and I. During the time that he was accused and before he was convicted, he won supervised visits with the two younger children. Luckily for me (and the children), during the course of this year, he only came about 10 times to see them. Great father, huh? These were only allegations so far. To date, I have spent about $50000 fighting to protect my children. Angelo never wants to see him again, Dom is a little confused; kids his age will always look up to and love their parents, and Noah really doesn't even remember him. Noah recently saw him, and was scared. I have no doubt he remembers what happened when he was only 2.

I am currently going through a very messy divorce. He has never paid a single dime in child support (although if it means he's out of our lives, I don't want it), though he is seeking joint custody (not a chance in hell), half the marital property, AND SPOUSAL SUPPORT. Not an ounce of friggin dignity in his whole body.

I am not the only horror story. Contact some of the members of this board who posted about their "love" stories, and ask them if they're still in love. I'm not saying every marriage ends the way mine did, luckily, but I would bet 95% of them end in divorce.

But you're not going to listen to this anyways. Your Dominican is different. You're in love. Know what? We all choose the lessons we have to learn in life. I chose mine, and am still learning. I have 3 wonderful beautiful children that I thank God for every single day. Those are the new loves of my life, and I have to be somewhat grateful to Angel for them.

I hope your lesson will not be as hard as mine was. I wish you luck.

Trina,

I already knew a little bit of this from your response to an earlier pm of mine, but I never could have imagined the full horror of it. I know I undoubtedly seem to be one of the foolish ones marrying a Dominican and I certainly see that you are justified in your opinion of them but I wanted to tell you wow... You are so brave to share this with us. Your story even gave me pause. I know it will help others who read it. Domestic violence is such a horrible crime- I know, my father was abusive as well (towards our mother). My mother had to hitchhike in the middle of the night wearing only a blanket (because my father had set her nightgown on fire) with me and my 2 older brothers, to escape him. Of course, he wasn't Dominican, which proves that evil comes in all races.

Your love for your children shine through and I hope one day to be as good a mother as you. Sorry if I'm getting mushy! I was really moved by your story.

Thanks Trina.

[sangria]

Everyone should take note of what Trina said....

It is really important to KNOW exactly who and/or what you are marrying.

This is especially true when you already have children.

I will never fully understand why anyone would rush into marriage because the odds of it being successfull are much slimmer. Toss in the cultural difference, an age difference, a language barrier etc and the odds are even tougher.

I won't say that marrying a dominican is a bad idea because I am married to one!!

We waited and although long distance and travelling are difficult, I wouldn't change it for anything. I feel like I know my husband well and understand his values and beliefs and that he understands mine.

To Tamara and whomever else it applies to....please take your time to get to know your partner (wherever you are and whatever the culture)....you will save yourself heartache and $$$$$ in the end.

Thank you Trina for sharing your story. I wish you and your family great things to come.

Sangria

[trina]

Originally Posted by Sweetkiwi

Trina,

I already knew a little bit of this from your response to an earlier pm of mine, but I never could have imagined the full horror of it. I know I undoubtedly seem to be one of the foolish ones marrying a Dominican and I certainly see that you are justified in your opinion of them but I wanted to tell you wow... You are so brave to share this with us. Your story even gave me pause. I know it will help others who read it. Domestic violence is such a horrible crime- I know, my father was abusive as well (towards our mother). My mother had to hitchhike in the middle of the night wearing only a blanket (because my father had set her nightgown on fire) with me and my 2 older brothers, to escape him. Of course, he wasn't Dominican, which proves that evil comes in all races.

Your love for your children shine through and I hope one day to be as good a mother as you. Sorry if I'm getting mushy! I was really moved by your story.

Thanks Trina.

At the risk of hijacking this thread, this will probably be my last post on the subject; this subject is a whole other thread. Thanks Sangria and sweetkiwi for your kind words and support. Sweetkiwi, I am sorry you lived with domestic violence as well. Please KNOW that you are a PRIME TARGET to allow history to repeat itself. My mother was an abuser. I was sure in marrying Angel, I was marrying my father, who was a prince of a man. Unfortunately, I married my mother. Usually in life, you marry someone like your mother or father, it is natural attraction. You are very vulnerable and succeptable, unfortunately, to pick someone like your father to be your life partner. Beware. Your gut feelings are right. If it feels wrong, it is wrong. Be so very careful of who you choose. What I lived through is NOTHING compared to horror stories that I've heard in group therapy. We all need to be very proactive in stopping the cycle of violence, especially if you've already lived it.

[samanasuenos]

Originally Posted by COROLLA24

THAT IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TRUE... YOUR COMMENT ABOUT MARRIAGE...
I am married to a Dominican man, 5 yrs with him and he has left my son and I. Marriage was only a part time thing for him...

Corolla:

Thanks for pointing out the different views on marriage across cultures. From my limited experience, my impression is that many times "Northerners"
(to paint with a wide brush) more often than not see marriage as long-term and as a commitment. More often than not.

My experience has also shown me that many "Southerners" (Dominicans, etc.) may wish for something to last a life-time, but may not always be equipped with role models, nor the tools, to take it to that level.

Another cultural difference that I have noted is the meaning of "I love you." While many men "up north" are in no hurry to utter those words, they do seem to be shared quickly and often in the warmer climates.

I've commented before on cultural differences and the need to be aware of them as we strive to "interpret" and gain meaning from all the words in our week-old love affair of the lifetime.

Op, I am sorry if I got off track. Hope it was helpful. Take care, - Sammy

[Princesa777]

Im also (happily) married to a Dominican man for almost 3 years, we are living in Europe now for 1,5 years and before that I lived in the DR for 3 years.
We married after 20 months...of this we lived about 16 months together. Honestly, I thought (think) this was really fast. If I had met him in my country, I would have never married him so fast.

But things were different, so I made different choices. They turned out to be the best choices I ever made, but I realize some of this was luck. He COULD have been that guy that everyone is warning about on this forum, just playing all his cards right; paying everything for me, being patient FOR YEARS, pretending he didnt want to leave his beloved island etc.
And I dont mean to be sarcastic here, some guys are really that good of an actor!!!!

Ofcourse I was sure he was different, and luckily he is, so far anyway.

But my motto is, dont risk anything you are not prepared to lose. If in the end he turns out to be a bad guy, yes, my heart will be broken (just as with any relationship with european/american men). But through it all I finished my masters degree and made a career for myself, still have good relationships with my friends and family. All in all I will still have a good life.

I think that's the most important when marrying anyone, but especially marrying from another country, because generally speaking there is more to lose.

In your case there is even a kid involved, so my advice is be really carefull what you decided and how informed you are when you make this decision.
You can never be 100% sure, but there is a big difference between knowing somebody for 3x 2 weeks or living with him for a year or 2 (or longer). The unknown factor is way smaller then.

And I think for a mother of a 7-year old child it is inresponsible to make an uninformed bet.

[Lapurr]

Originally Posted by tamara032080

I believe fully that you don't control who you fall in love with

Yes ...you do!! You and only you have control over your being, unless you are drugged or mentally unstable/challanged.

Stay away from married men
Stay away from Sankies
Stay away from pimps, drug dealers, gigalos etc..

[Lapurr]

sorry double post

[Sunflower333]

Hi Tamara,
I am a fairly new member but have been following these forums since I first met my husband 1 1/2 years ago.

I read everyones opinions and yes, alot of them are negative and don't leave much room for believing that real love can and does happen with a foreigner.
You seem like an intelligent woman who know the signs and red flags to look out for as I did as well but only you know your guy and the rest of the people giving their opinions are only going by what they have known from different experiences -not your guy personally.

My husband and I are extremely happy- we both have the same values,goals and share the same faith which really helps alot. We knew from our second meeting that God had brought us together and everything would come together in time. His family, friends, church and all the people who know him(which is alot!! He is very well respected by everyone) have also supported us and reinforced in our minds that this was a right decision to have made.

I say to you to keep following your heart and but at the same time not being blind to any thing that might be a red flag or just not feel right!!

I truly wish you all the best and would love to hear how things go.