Beach Etiquette: When Speedos Attack!

[RHM]

Beach Etiquette: When is a Speedo Appropriate?

This is the last of my three Honeymoon-inspired posts and my ongoing effort to foster international understanding and good-will (the first two explored the sub-species of “Loud Ugly Americans” and “Chain-Smoking Europeans.”) However, I’m going to tell you right now that today’s topic is not for the faint of heart or easily offended. Regardless, it’s something that must be discussed if we are ever to curb the madness that masquerades as enlightened freedom in the Dominican Republic – unattractive speedos and ill-shaped breasts on public beaches.

First, a quick test – which of the following two pictures shows appropriate Speedo usage?




Ready? The answer is neither. Why? Because the man in the first photo is clearly better formed for more conventional swimming trunks or king-sized baggies and the three below just look gay. Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with looking gay if, in fact, you are gay. But, if you’re not gay, you don’t want to look gay. Get it? This is not to disparage gays as I am an avid supporter of gay rights. However, if you’re straight, and especially if you’re single and hope to attract the attention of a woman, as a general rule you want to avoid appearing gay. Real men do not wear Speedos. The only exceptions to the Speedo rule are competitive swimmers and they are exempt only when training and competing.

Topless Sunbathing Etiquette

The next piece of beach etiquette (or “breastiquette”) concerns topless women. Yes, many beaches are topless unless you’re sunning in the U.S. where we are still a bit puritanical, somewhat ashamed of the human body, and have stupid laws that require women to keep their breasts covered at all times except, of course, when attending the Indy 500 or a Motley Crue concert. For the rest of the world (obviously excluding Muslim countries…duh), including the Dominican Republic, it’s just not that big of a deal. However this, as with the aforementioned Speedo scenarios, does not mean that all women should feel free to “hang loose”. Some women were just not meant to be topless in public. This is especially true of older European women who lost their form when Churchill and de Gaulle were still calling the shots or younger women whom God hopefully blessed with other talents or skills. Here, we are in sort of a pickle (try to stop thinking about the Speedos.)

1. If the woman is built like Pamela Anderson, everybody stares.
2. If she has pancakes like Michael Moore (sorry, didn’t want to offend a specific woman), everybody stares.

The only difference is the comments that other beach-goers whisper to each other under their breath. So, I’m sorry to say it, but keep the topless action to private areas and put your top on if you decide to take a stroll down the beach. Everybody will be happier, especially if the guy next to you is wearing trunks.

This concludes my honeymoon-inspired posts. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading them as much as I’ve enjoyed writing them as I sit here in my Speedo, smoking and being loud. Hey, I’m in the privacy of my own home. Isn’t my wife lucky? Don’t answer that, but please join me tomorrow for a funny story about a Dominican virgin.

Comments and criticism are always welcome. I have a feeling this one will receive a lot of both.

RHM

[Hipocrito Mejia]

I respectfully request that the picture of Michael Moore be removed. That is just foul, and will cause many a reader of this thread to loose their meal.

OMG, I just imagined a gay Michael Moore wearing a speedo!

[Hillbilly]

While Michael is "weight impaired", I think that is a Photoshop job done on top of someone else's body...

Not to disparage your excellent trio of articles... which were interesting and funny...


HB

[Chris]

Originally Posted by RHM

Real men do not wear Speedos. The only exceptions to the Speedo rule are competitive swimmers and they are exempt only when training and competing.

Why on earth? I don't mind a speedo and I don't care who wears one. Yes I am from a family of swimmers so perhaps used to looking at good human sculpture but truly, only a very few are built like Atlas. Why should the rest of normal humankind not wear what they want?

Originally Posted by RHM

Yes, many beaches are topless unless you’re sunning in the U.S. where we are still a bit puritanical, somewhat ashamed of the human body, and have stupid laws that require women to keep their breasts covered at all times except, of course, when attending the Indy 500 or a Motley Crue concert. For the rest of the world (obviously excluding Muslim countries…duh), including the Dominican Republic, it’s just not that big of a deal. However this, as with the aforementioned Speedo scenarios, does not mean that all women should feel free to “hang loose”. Some women were just not meant to be topless in public. This is especially true of older European women who lost their form when Churchill and de Gaulle were still calling the shots or younger women whom God hopefully blessed with other talents or skills. Here, we are in sort of a pickle (try to stop thinking about the Speedos.)

Its not puritanism, its plain repression. Because people age, does that mean they need to hide? Your vision of beauty seems to me very focussed on the piece that you can see. I dare you, go on a nude beach one time and feel fully comfortable with yourself and all others around you. Bet you can't.

Originally Posted by RHM

1. If the woman is built like Pamela Anderson, everybody stares.
2. If she has pancakes like Michael Moore (sorry, didn’t want to offend a specific woman), everybody stares.

I would dare to say it is perhaps only you that stare. The rest of us grew up in a less repressive society and don't need to stare. I enjoy it if people with less than 'perfect' faces and bodies can simply enjoy themselves. You're on honeymoon! Live a little already! Need a pm on what you're supposed to be doing on honeymoon? Here is a hint .. you're not supposed to be writing.

[RHM]

Originally Posted by Chris

I dare you, go on a nude beach one time and feel fully comfortable with yourself and all others around you. Bet you can't.

Only if you join me.

RHM

[mike.n.amy]

I just came from this blog, and while I like RHM's writing style, I join Chris in voicing opposition to the topic.

Personally, I wear a Speedo. And I do it with my wife's full approval. I even have 3 of them (but need to buy some more...the pool chlorine tears the heck out of 'em). I'm even American, so how freaky and scary is that?!?!

However, I also try to keep myself in shape. I may not be the best looking, best built, or biggest hunk around, but I think I look OK and shouldn't be annoying, offending, or otherwise irritating anyone other than the most prudish Christian Americans....and I couldn't possibly care a lick for what they think anyway

As for the guys in the second photo, I'll agree that, taken within the context of that photo, they look gay (not that there's anything wrong with that). But they look good, so more power to them. Their tan lines will be far smaller than the dorks wearing the 1920's, knee-length pants Americans call swimsuits nowadays...so once they finally do get a woman in bed (all gay appearances aside), they'll be looking a lot better than the long-pants crowd.

The guy in the first photo, well, he's braver than me, let's put it that way. If you're secure enough in yourself to parade around looking like that - and you don't die of a heart attack crossing a wide expanse of beach - then self confidence is NOT your issue and I say more power to you (lol).

If we were back in America - land of the slaves and home of the sheep - I'd say there outta be a law against prudes. But here in the TRUE land of the free, I say let 'em stare

[canbon]

Personally, I think it shouldn't matter to anyone else. I am of the belief that each day is a gift, each day is a blessing...I am not offended by what someone wears or looks like. There are many other things in life to worry about and discuss.

While I "get" that the OP is trying to be entertaining, I wonder if the first man in the speedo gave his permission for the photo and if not, how would he feel being displayed on this site to be made fun of.

To a moderator, does this site allow photos to be posted without permission to be used in such a manner? Just curious?

I think it is wonderful that people are comfortable enough with themselves to wear want they want and be who they are!! Life is way too short to worry about what everyone else is thinking.

[RHM]

Originally Posted by canbon

While I "get" that the OP is trying to be entertaining, I wonder if the first man in the speedo gave his permission for the photo and if not, how would he feel being displayed on this site to be made fun of.

To a moderator, does this site allow photos to be posted without permission to be used in such a manner? Just curious?

Actually, the first photo is of me.

As for permission, the DR1 forum does not host the photos at all. They are nowhere on the DR1 server and merely linked form the original host. Nice of you to be concerned anyway.

And I'm glad you picked up on the fact that this article is supposed to be somewhat entertaining and should be stamped "For Novelty Use Only."

Interestingly, all of those pics can be found on google images just by searching "speedos". You'd be surprised on how many sites both of those pics have been used. You will also be surprised, or maybe not, at the virtual connection between any search using any form of the word "speedo" and gay culture. Check for yourself.

RHM

[M.A.R.]

Gerard Depardieu was featured the other day on a similar topic to RHM's on an entertainment channel here in the US. But he was bathing TOTALLY naked, wow you should look it up it has to be on the net somewhere, his belly was hanging down to his knees and his beautiful girlfriend was with him.

Also Jack Nicholson was featured in his speedos and they also had Arnold Schwatzeneger (sp.)lol. oh the insanity...........I agree everyone has the right to wear what they want at the beach, but do they have to??? lol

I think women wearing thongs are a bit too much, even if they have a gorgeous young body. But one time I saw a misproportion, mishape middle age woman wearing a thong!!!!!!!!!!! I really couldn't believe my eyes, what was she thinking????????

[Chris]

Originally Posted by RHM

Only if you join me.

RHM

Only if I can write the article about uhm... wrinkly hangy thingies ..