Relocating a Dominican 101

[trina]

Originally Posted by johne

If any of the readers of this forum are ever in doubt of the meaning of "unconditional love' ( 1stCorinthians13)they should read this post.
JOHN

What a nice thing to say...I can't say I'm entirely worthy of all that, but it was nice to hear. I think that if you do things in life with the sole purpose of getting something in return, you're in it for the wrong reasons and will sorely be disappointed. If you do things because you like to help others, however, karma is good, and it will feel so much better when it comes back to you.

My family, especially my kids, is my life. Being that Angel is such a good father, we owe it to our kids to have both of us in their lives, full-time, for as long as humanly possible. We decided to bring children into this world, and therefore, must do everything possible to keep the family together. Marriage is definitely hard work; the trick is to make your kids think it's no work at all.

[daddy1]

You have shown what the biggest flaw is in bringing a Dominican male or female to countries such as Canada, or the U.S...these stories happen because the two sides became infactuated with each other and neither one had a real grip on real objectives and the results were no proper planning nor prepareness for sudden changes.....I have many friends in the States going threw what you have gone threw...but all the hardship could have been prevented if there were just proper planning....this is the morel to your story...it is not about catering to your man's or ladies needs or home-sickness...because you ambushed him the moment you knew he was coming to another country with nothing to offer you didn't do it on purpose but you did..that's just suicide!! case in point you wounldn't have five children if you lived under your mother's roof and had no money would you?...because having sex with the person you love is great! but are you prepared to have babies...or will a women get married with a man who has been unemployed for the last 4 years..I mean who thinks this way and why? why would you bring a person to a strict follow all the rules country with no weapon a his disposal.

Look! I have seen people engaged for 5 yrs or more...and marry when they are well and ready...this I will inbed in the mine of my own children when they decide to take that leap...you would have spent less money and hardships if you have just sat down with your spouse and said I love you....so don't take what I am about to say to you personal...from Canada I will pay your way to learn english here in the D.R. and if you believe in this relationship you will take that course and study it as if you were learning how to hit a 90 mile an hour fastball, or cooking your moms favorite dish! I have friends in D.R. that speak perfect english just by looking and watching American programming on television..so maybe it would have been hard at first for him...but at least he would have brung something to the table.

Ladies understand something about us men...for a second..a very old wise man taught me this...that for a couple to be successful in any marraige the women must make her man feel masculine...and the moment your man feels less then a man and you make excuses for him..he will try to run, because he feels useless, given the right tools for survival any man, women or child can succeed, but if you set them up for failure him, you and everyone around him, will fall!.. and pay a heavy price...in my opinion given what I have seen from Dominicans who came here like trina's good husband was they just never had a chance.. and mentally were not prepared so he felt at times according to trina..intimidated by his surroundings there is just no way he can compete with people who are prepared and he does not feel good about this at all and neither would I given his position ... these are not times to carry anyone...it's either your equal to me or above or you are holding me back or just a plain ole scrub...that is the reality of the modern world today..don't cater to your Dominican man an involve him or her in activities he or she thinks! they miss or can't live without...do what you have to do to suceed first! and everything else will fall in place later, I know trina old habits are hard to break and keeping him happy is o.k. but he does not need distractions nor his culture right now he needs to stay focus and make money!..Trina again..reading your story was awesome..surely you are a rock and you took a chance, but life has taught me to learn from my own and other people's mistakes and not repeat them.. good luck with your family and continue to be that rock..


much love D1 the Steven A Smith of the forum

[trina]

I couldn't agree more with what you have said. We made lots of mistakes, and I am hoping by posting the mistakes that we've made, it may (just may, but not holding my breath) help others not to make the same mistakes.

Do you think Angel likes being a full-time dad, while I work all the time? No, he doesn't, but he does it because it's necessary. The reality is, if he worked, it would end up costing us money due to daycare and other expenses of a dual-income family. When he was working full-time, he felt much more like a contributor. He was happy, his English vastly improved, and he felt like he was at least helping with the expenses. Now he sees me working all the time and running from one place to the next and feels rather helpless. What not everyone understands is that to me, what he does is priceless. No one can put a pricetag on the peace of mind that I have. When Angelo (age 10) has a day off school, I don't have to arrange out-of-school care. I don't have to worry about some daycare worker abusing Dominic (age 3), or him eating junk all day. I don't have to worry about my five-month-old not being cared for. I can come home and have a meal ready, clothes washed, and a (somewhat) orderly home. To me, it's all worth it. He's worth his weight in gold in that respect. I could never do what he does, I've always liked working outside the home. I wouldn't trade him jobs if I could.

Given what I know now, would I still marry the same man? yes. A big whole-hearted YES. Is life hard sometimes, and do we often feel like throwing in the towel? Oh yeah. Would we do things differently? Definitely, without a doubt.

[Marianopolita]

Trina,

Muy buenos días,

I have been following this thread and your earnest dedication to each and every post and after reading Daddy1's commentary (which I agree with 100%) encourages me to ask you two questions:

1) You know they say hindsight is 20/20. Through your experiences over the past 4 years+ if you could do this process over again what would you do differently?

2) What does the future hold? The reason why I ask this is although Angel stays at home and looks after the kids etc. which is a great benefit I truly agree that will not fulfill him forever and most of all the kids will grow up and move on. What about Angel? You have discussed his education and English issues what will happen as the years go by?

In general:

I want reiterate what you have already said E & E (English and Education) are key in Canada. I don't know what it's like in Calgary but I can speak for Montreal and Toronto a language barrier is a life barrier if you let it be one. I think Dominicans and anybody who comes to Canada under whatever circumstances need to come prepared meaning having above average functional skill sets. The emotional rollcoaster is an individual experience there is no cure for that. One has to live it, experience it and move on. However, each individual owns their educational and language expectations. It's sink or swim. There is no other way to put it. It's all about adapting and as humans we can do it.

You know I respect you dearly so I hope you take my comments in a positive light.

Have a great day!

LDG.

[trina]

Originally Posted by Lesley D

Trina,

You know I respect you dearly
LDG.

Igualmente, Lesley, and to me, there is nothing less than a positive connotation to your post.

You raise very fine points (as usual), and I'll answer them as best as I can. No one knows what the future will hold, but I will tell you how we'd like to see the future play out.

1) You know they say hindsight is 20/20. Through your experiences over the past 4 years+ if you could do this process over again what would you do differently?

I would: (a) Speak to Angel only in English, and although that may be tough, it would force him to learn English.
(b) Have Angel take a driving course in the DR and get his license. It's really hard being a full-time taxi. It should be duly noted though, that in order for the licence to be transferrable here, the Dominican in question needs to have had the license for two years for it to be recognized here.
(c) Have Angel take English classes while he was in the DR. Although, IMHO immersion is the best way to learn a language, at least a basic knowledge would have helped him be less dependent.

Those are the main things I would do differently, but if I ponder this point further, I may revisit it.

2) What does the future hold? The reason why I ask this is although Angel stays at home and looks after the kids etc. which is a great benefit I truly agree that will not fulfill him forever and most of all the kids will grow up and move on. What about Angel? You have discussed his education and English issues what will happen as the years go by?

I think one is happiest by playing out their passion in life. I have found mine in numbers, believe it or not. Angel's passions are typically Dominican: baseball, music, and cuisine. Angel is an awesome cook...in fact, I have only tasted better food prepared by his cousins Denny and Susie. We have explored the idea of opening a Latin cuisine restaurant. Calgary is truly lacking when it comes to great Latin food, and there is a huge abundance of Latinos here. We'd love to open up a restaurant that played Spanish music all day, featured great cuisine, of coursed showcased all the MLB games on multiple TV's set up, and perhaps even held a domino table or two...wouldn't that be every Dominican man's dream? This restaurant will come into fruition some time down the road, when all the boys are in school. I think Angel would be a very happy man if we were able to put all this together.

Angel wants to start taking night classes again to improve his English, it's something that is very important to him. He already helps Angelo read, and that helps his own learning as well. His English, like I said, is improving, and in time, he will hopefully be fluent. He has also started studying for the Citizenship test and by this time next year (or shortly thereafter), he will be a Canadian citizen. So the future does look bright...

[Marianopolita]

Trina,

Thanks for responding. I am glad to hear that there is a vision down the road because that aspect is so important. Currently Angel is dedicating his time to the children and home which is essential but there will come a time when he will ask himself what about me, did I achieve my goals etc. and if the answer is 'no' I will tell you for free there will be great frustration for him on a personal level.

The English issue is huge. You can't change the past but you can improve the future. That's a gradual process but like everything else in life it's about dedicating time to your priorities. English is a priority in Canada. At least he's not in Montreal where most people are trilingual. English and French are obligatory and then most people have a heritage language be it Spanish, Italian, Portuguese whatever.

In summary you survived the worst of situations therefore it can only get better. You are a stronger person because of it and remember in life there's a lesson for each experience that is thrown at us and the true test is what we learn from them. You'll be fine and so will Angel. What's a few more years of sacrifice in terms of you have come this far already. Don't give up hope - hay que tener fe.


Regards,

Lesley D

[Chris]

Isn't this just the best and most positive post ever on DR1? I'll vote for that!. Thanks Trina for posting and thanks Anna for encouraging the post.

[trina]

Originally Posted by bob saunders

I think that there is no secret to making a relationship work, it takes hard work and a willingness to look at things from another cultures point of view. If you take the time to examine why people do the things they do, the cultural background...etc, you get rid of a lot of your frustrations and lack of understanding. My advice to anyone bringing a spouse from the Dominican Republic is: Force them to learn English-correct them when they make mistakes(you can do this politely and with humour), let them make lots of phone calls(or a least one or two long ones) Here in the GTA you can buy a salam phone card for 2.50 that will last for 60 minutes. If you can afford to, go back every year to the DR. Now my mother-in-law is coming to live with us, so this will create a new challenge as she speaks no English, has no Education, is older(70) so possible health problems...etc. Life is a bowl of cherries.

I meant to respond to this earlier - forgive me Bob for taking so long. You are a very good man, I hope all the good you do comes back to you ten-fold. Maybe once Yris' mom is here, she will feel at home again in Borden. The way you describe Yris is wonderful...I firmly believe she will adapt to her new surroundings, just like she did in Vancouver. I'd love to someday meet both of you, but now that you've gone and moved away from us, it might be a challenge! Best of luck.

[trina]

Originally Posted by Chris

Isn't this just the best and most positive post ever on DR1? I'll vote for that!. Thanks Trina for posting and thanks Anna for encouraging the post.

You're sweet, Chris. Thanks. I feel like I've put everything out there and hope that I haven't set my husband up for judgement. He really is a very good strong man with morals and good intentions. It's a tough life for anyone to adapt to here, but he's come a long way in four years.


Coming back to Lesley's question about things I would've done differently, I almost forgot the most important one:
I would force Angel to be more independent. He is very dependent on me, and it scares me to think of what would happen to him if something happened to me. I have to force him to use the Visa and Debit cards...he doesn't like touching the finances what-so-ever. To this day, if he needs money, he won't go into my wallet, I have to get it for him. I drive him nearly everywhere because I'm scared he'll get lost on our transit system. Again, it's my fault as much as anyone's. Sometimes I feel like I'm the mother of four, not three. We're getting there though, learning from our errors, and like I said, the future looks very bright. There is a lot of love between us, something that many couples lack...without a great deal of love, there's not a chance for survival.

[Chris]

I for one don't think that you've set your husband up for judgement, but then, I'm speaking from some experience. It took me years in the US before I could go anywhere and find my way back home without breaking into a sweat... What helped at the end of the day, is not the forcing thing, but me sitting down and mapping out every landmark, every turn, every twist and then travelling by my own map. But, I had to take the time and make the map and my husband had to take the time to make a few journeys with me, so I could 'map'. It was years after when I recognized that this phase is over, when I travelled through Boston during the height of the big dig and found my way out the other side taking business calls on the cell, without tears, terrified phone calls to my husband and without killing myself or the kids... Only when Richard said -- hey.. you've done good! did I realize I could do it.

I do not know how my husband lived through those years. I was a wreck and had to learn to do even the simplest things all over again. So, this may work for Angel - travel with him where he needs to go, let him write it down and then try by himself. As for money, let him start managing the food shopping or something simple like the daily milk and bread.